Today has been stressful but I try to remain positive.

(Novel warning)!

A lot of back and forth, assembling, picking up dropping off, and overall chaotic! 🥴

I struggle pretty badly with depression and sometimes I just cannot be bothered with anyone or anything. It’s gotten to the point where I struggle to even get myself out of bed.

When I’m not tasked or busy I run to my room like I’m trying to win a marathon just so I can sleep every second of free time away.

I wondered why I did that, thought I was just addicted to dreaming but folks I haven’t had a dream In a while it’s all just blackness.

I’m starting to realize the older I get the faster time moves for some reason, I think I’m sleeping trying to speed up my life cycle.

I hide away in my room 24/7 it’s been this way my whole life I always felt safe in my own space.

Spending most of my life isolated has made me yearn to be around people so when I see people I get VERY EXCITED and have high positive energy yet I struggle to make eye contact.

The worst part about that is people always want to see me and hangout and that’s just not how I’m wired.

I feel bad because I will tell my friends “Yeah I’m down to chill” but really I’m not and usually find a last minute “Reason” to work my way out of the social interaction.

I don’t think I’m “Too good” for people and I don’t try to “keep em in suspense”. I’m just broken and sometimes I can’t hide it and I don’t want people to see that side of me.

I don’t have a very high opinion of myself, a few months back I went to shave my face as usual. I looked in the mirror and thought about how much I hate my face and set my razor down.

I even stopped going to my barbers so I look like a homeless vagrant, I feel a lot better with my long unkempt beard and hair covering my face.

Today I cleaned my room because sometimes I just lack the power or spirit to do anything but sleep.

I feel a bit more at ease, I’m burning some nice incense and listening to classical music and “easy listening”. Which is a change from the rock and dubstep I’m always listening to but a nice change.

Sorry for the novel thanks for reading and listening to me. 🙂