I used to believe if I wanted something that would stop it from happening...

I remember trying to force happy thoughts out of my mind, convinced that desire would ruin my chances.

I don't know how my brain came up with that. Seems pretty fucked up though.

These days I still kinda do the same thing. I just won't let myself fantasize or romanticize anything. When I did try, when I was positive and sunny and all the things required, I got ripped apart.

My balance is to dream, but don't get excited. Be discerning. Wait until I'm in the moment with something to grasp. But it's poor planning. The future matters.

Gah!