All my life, people call me kind...
But in my life, I've learned to fight off emotions in favor of what I find worthier.
Fighting exhaustion with a need to finish.
Fighting fear with a need to give people I love a better, happier life.
Fighting sadness and resentment by moving too much and wearing my body out, spending time, and doing things with people I like to the point where I am exhausted and can no longer think of what is sad. The human body is wired like that.
Between talking about things other than what makes me sad and doing things that wear me out, I start to enjoy stuff again. I start to see why I love them again. I start to see them as wonderful, start to see things I am grateful for again.
Cause at the end of the day, the reason wins.
This reason.
It's pretty magical is what it is.
But sometimes, when I am at a low point, I do tend to call it brainwashing my own self so I get to face tomorrow and do what I have to.
Some days, it's sad.
Some days, it's not so.
But everyday till now, it is somehow just there.
For continuing on with how things are, with the roles I feel I have to play, the tasks I feel I have to do, the thoughts I feel I have to think...
I used to claim God is the reason.
Then it became about my dreams.
Maybe somewhere along the way growing up, it became about freedom.
Then when dad left, it became about the people we both love that he'd left in my hands to care and protect and provide for.
I became so many different versions of myself.
I was given challenges I never would have gone through had I been given the choice.
But I suppose I was given the choice.
It's just that for me, my eyes, my heart, my mind, my body were all set on that one direction that there couldn't be any other choice.
Breadwinner. Daughter. Sister.
Employee.
Reader.
Writer.
Friend.
A parentified adult who was and is really just a child.
My choice over my entire self is that I know the people I fight for are worthy to me.
That has never been the question.
And what I felt I lost during the process is a whole line of opportunities where I thought things would have gone easier for me. Opportunities where I end up happy, supported, loved, cared for.
Cause most days, buried in all the work and responsibilities, I felt it was one sided. Or well, they try. But I...well, it wasn't the kind of Iove I needed or wanted or yearned for.
Because well...because well, dad's not here anymore. And of course, his kind of love is not here anymore.
Or maybe it is. Because well, I have learned to give it, have I not?
But also, it evolved into my kind of love.
By trying to love like he did when he was alive and by my side, I lost a lot.
But I also gained a lot.
The price to pay for strength is pushing through hardships, come what may.
The price to pay for experience is a lot of embarrassments and failures and rising up and facing things and people head on anyway, whether they're bullies or plain class assh****.
The price for finding me...well I don't have the full picture yet.
But yeah...
So, am I kind? What I am to myself...I am trying. I am someone trying her best to give the people I love what I think they deserve.
And my greatest challenge is while on it, to try to give myself what I think I deserve too.
And now, after having exhausted myself and after giving myself more things and people to look forward to, I see what better looks like.
Better is what you find when you allow yourself to feel sad and angry and bitter and resenting...and choosing to act on principle anyway. Is better happy? Sometimes.
But better...is better. That's for sure.
-Early Morning Thoughts by Casheyane
Fighting exhaustion with a need to finish.
Fighting fear with a need to give people I love a better, happier life.
Fighting sadness and resentment by moving too much and wearing my body out, spending time, and doing things with people I like to the point where I am exhausted and can no longer think of what is sad. The human body is wired like that.
Between talking about things other than what makes me sad and doing things that wear me out, I start to enjoy stuff again. I start to see why I love them again. I start to see them as wonderful, start to see things I am grateful for again.
Cause at the end of the day, the reason wins.
This reason.
It's pretty magical is what it is.
But sometimes, when I am at a low point, I do tend to call it brainwashing my own self so I get to face tomorrow and do what I have to.
Some days, it's sad.
Some days, it's not so.
But everyday till now, it is somehow just there.
For continuing on with how things are, with the roles I feel I have to play, the tasks I feel I have to do, the thoughts I feel I have to think...
I used to claim God is the reason.
Then it became about my dreams.
Maybe somewhere along the way growing up, it became about freedom.
Then when dad left, it became about the people we both love that he'd left in my hands to care and protect and provide for.
I became so many different versions of myself.
I was given challenges I never would have gone through had I been given the choice.
But I suppose I was given the choice.
It's just that for me, my eyes, my heart, my mind, my body were all set on that one direction that there couldn't be any other choice.
Breadwinner. Daughter. Sister.
Employee.
Reader.
Writer.
Friend.
A parentified adult who was and is really just a child.
My choice over my entire self is that I know the people I fight for are worthy to me.
That has never been the question.
And what I felt I lost during the process is a whole line of opportunities where I thought things would have gone easier for me. Opportunities where I end up happy, supported, loved, cared for.
Cause most days, buried in all the work and responsibilities, I felt it was one sided. Or well, they try. But I...well, it wasn't the kind of Iove I needed or wanted or yearned for.
Because well...because well, dad's not here anymore. And of course, his kind of love is not here anymore.
Or maybe it is. Because well, I have learned to give it, have I not?
But also, it evolved into my kind of love.
By trying to love like he did when he was alive and by my side, I lost a lot.
But I also gained a lot.
The price to pay for strength is pushing through hardships, come what may.
The price to pay for experience is a lot of embarrassments and failures and rising up and facing things and people head on anyway, whether they're bullies or plain class assh****.
The price for finding me...well I don't have the full picture yet.
But yeah...
So, am I kind? What I am to myself...I am trying. I am someone trying her best to give the people I love what I think they deserve.
And my greatest challenge is while on it, to try to give myself what I think I deserve too.
And now, after having exhausted myself and after giving myself more things and people to look forward to, I see what better looks like.
Better is what you find when you allow yourself to feel sad and angry and bitter and resenting...and choosing to act on principle anyway. Is better happy? Sometimes.
But better...is better. That's for sure.
-Early Morning Thoughts by Casheyane
