Living a default life.
Read a book entitle "Who Do You Want to Be When You Grow Old". It brought up the concept of living a default life. That really hit me.
Family: Not much you can do there. Just wish thst dad had not been so sick and angry all of the time. I did not cry at his funeral. My brother had the looks, talent, body, and brains. I guess I had tenacity. Everything felt like a struggle . No friends around as we lived miles from anyone else and my parents were very critical of everyone around us. I had to cook when mom went back to work. Being on a farm you just did what needed to be done. Had to get mom set up in assisted living and take care of her and my aunt's affairs when they died. Brother was too far away.
Religion: Family was lutheran so it could have been a lot worse. In my 30s I read a lot and finally gave up the creeds. Came up with my own philosophy and I'm ok with it.
Work: My last job was pretty much dictated. I had to go there or i wouldn't get any severance. It was not a pleasant experience. Even the jobs before were kind of just grab bag jobs. The degree was basically the best I could get at the time. I can't say that I was ever really interested in any of it. I would have probably been much happier doing something in cooking than engineering but process engineering was kind of like cooking and i did like that. The clamp stuff is fullfilling but low sales and increasing FDA fees make it unsustainable. Even that was kind of by default because my brother (and others) needed it and the previous maker died.
Love: The woman I really loved died of cancer. I have a close friend but you know what I mean. I am grateful for her though. We do have fun occasionally. Without her I would be totally alone, and who knows? This might be as good as it gets. My marriage to Martha was a disaster when her childhood abuse caught up with her. I just wish there had been more / some physical affection. I likely am straight though. That was pretty much a default though while growing up.
Health: Lucky there so far. An occasional touch of gout but i know how to minimize it. Bad eyes and sucking at anything to do with sports are my old default issues. Low testosterone, E.D. , managable high blood pressure, and weight are the latest ones. I'd really like to go down a couple pants sizes.
Children: By default I became a single parent twice. My son came out pretty much ok. He has some issues but so far is doing well. For him i had him surrounded by other kids, coaches, parents, scout leaders, teachers... Tried lots of things to see what he was interested in. Let him have a pile of friends to do stuff with. They were all good. Anyway...I tried to give him options and he seems to have evaded a lot of defaults. The second time was when Kristi died and no one in her family would step forward to care for Jessica or Josh. They had a lot of issues and I couldn't resolve them in the time they were with me. Jessica seems to be coming around now.
Purpose: My latest life's purpose has been to help some others overseas financially that I was close to as much as I could. That needs to change. I need to modify my purpose but not have to do drastic things by default. "NO." Is as much a complete sentence as is the word "Yes.". Just harder to say.
So, in conclusion, I don't feel like I had a lot of say in a lot of things that have happened in my life. I feel like fly paper. Things just got thrown at me and stuck. Probably time to let go. Good luck with that. Old dogs and all that.
Family: Not much you can do there. Just wish thst dad had not been so sick and angry all of the time. I did not cry at his funeral. My brother had the looks, talent, body, and brains. I guess I had tenacity. Everything felt like a struggle . No friends around as we lived miles from anyone else and my parents were very critical of everyone around us. I had to cook when mom went back to work. Being on a farm you just did what needed to be done. Had to get mom set up in assisted living and take care of her and my aunt's affairs when they died. Brother was too far away.
Religion: Family was lutheran so it could have been a lot worse. In my 30s I read a lot and finally gave up the creeds. Came up with my own philosophy and I'm ok with it.
Work: My last job was pretty much dictated. I had to go there or i wouldn't get any severance. It was not a pleasant experience. Even the jobs before were kind of just grab bag jobs. The degree was basically the best I could get at the time. I can't say that I was ever really interested in any of it. I would have probably been much happier doing something in cooking than engineering but process engineering was kind of like cooking and i did like that. The clamp stuff is fullfilling but low sales and increasing FDA fees make it unsustainable. Even that was kind of by default because my brother (and others) needed it and the previous maker died.
Love: The woman I really loved died of cancer. I have a close friend but you know what I mean. I am grateful for her though. We do have fun occasionally. Without her I would be totally alone, and who knows? This might be as good as it gets. My marriage to Martha was a disaster when her childhood abuse caught up with her. I just wish there had been more / some physical affection. I likely am straight though. That was pretty much a default though while growing up.
Health: Lucky there so far. An occasional touch of gout but i know how to minimize it. Bad eyes and sucking at anything to do with sports are my old default issues. Low testosterone, E.D. , managable high blood pressure, and weight are the latest ones. I'd really like to go down a couple pants sizes.
Children: By default I became a single parent twice. My son came out pretty much ok. He has some issues but so far is doing well. For him i had him surrounded by other kids, coaches, parents, scout leaders, teachers... Tried lots of things to see what he was interested in. Let him have a pile of friends to do stuff with. They were all good. Anyway...I tried to give him options and he seems to have evaded a lot of defaults. The second time was when Kristi died and no one in her family would step forward to care for Jessica or Josh. They had a lot of issues and I couldn't resolve them in the time they were with me. Jessica seems to be coming around now.
Purpose: My latest life's purpose has been to help some others overseas financially that I was close to as much as I could. That needs to change. I need to modify my purpose but not have to do drastic things by default. "NO." Is as much a complete sentence as is the word "Yes.". Just harder to say.
So, in conclusion, I don't feel like I had a lot of say in a lot of things that have happened in my life. I feel like fly paper. Things just got thrown at me and stuck. Probably time to let go. Good luck with that. Old dogs and all that.
