I Hate My Life
UPDATED
I find this tough for myself because it's extremely difficult for myself to actually "Realize" anything. If someone asks me a question or tries to explain something to me, I stare blankly at them, not realizing a thing that they're saying. I could be reading words off of a page and still I wouldn't realize what on earth they're trying to tell me.
As I am not slow, I suffered seizures my entire life and I'm wondering if the cause of myself not realizing is because of my seizures and because of being continuously drugged.
As someone is speaking to me, my mind is either constantly racing or going to sleep on me. I feel like my brain is literally floating in something, like maybe the clouds and it feels so saturated at times that my head itself feels heavy.
I was placed on Depakote ER for around two thirds of my life. I feel as though it'd taken away those two thirds of my life, plus I was being drugged with nasty things by a stranger which slowed my thinking down, to impulsivity and a racing mind which applied "incoherent thoughts" to the normality of "everyday life".
The main reason for being placed on Depakote ER was to prevent myself from going mentally misplaced, but the reason I'd gone mentally misplaced was only because of the drugs that were intravenously injected into my blood stream while I'd had seizures.
Today, I am on Trileptal and Abilify. While on these two medications, I function about 75% better than when I was taking Depakote, Prolixin, Prolixin Decanoate, Lexapro, Cogentin, Risperdal, and others I haven't mentioned. Out of All these medications that I'd taken, none of them helped me more than the two I'm on right now.
As a young teen of 16, I was placed in the unit for attempted suicide. Nothing in the home seemed the same, as I was constantly being drugged intravenously and orally prior to and post hospitalization. I was actually placed in the unit and driven insane, only to be a "money market income" for the Stranger I was living with, as she wasn't only receiving my disablilty pay to pay her boyfriend and his family, but my Father's child support money which she most likely paid them to destroy me as well.
To this day, my disability goes into neither my Foster Mother's hands nor mine, but into the hands of her boyfriend and his family of all ages. This money, as I'd been keeping track of it in online banking, has been withdrawn on the third day of the month where my Foster Mother was not even at the bank, or did not even leave for work as yet.
I gained access to the account with my disablilty pay, only around 2 years ago, but only electronically, as I was never able to gain access to my ATM card that led to the account. What made me realize that I'd been receiving disability pay was because of the many times my Foster Mother had me contact social security to tell them that I "wasn't receiving enough money to support myself". Little had I known, at the time I was employed at the bank and at the retail stores, my Foster Mother received not only my disablilty money, but my ENTIRE TWO WEEK PAYCHECK, which she most likely gave to her boyfriend, aside from my disability money in which they were forever collecting to use to destroy and mutilate me.
At one time, when I was working at the bank, my Foster Mother threatened to lock me out of the house and evict me for $550 rent, which I refused to give to her. At the time, her boyfriend and his family who were receiving my Disability money were getting $471, as they had my ATM card and in reference to social security records on the Social Security site. My Foster Mother claimed she wasn't getting anything at all at the time of my employment and demanded this money from me. One night, she took $200 from me, as I'd been forced and threatened to give it to her. When she left for work in the morning, all ten 20's of those bills were still on her dresser, and even when I was leaving for work as well. When I returned home, all $200, or ten twenties were missing from her dresser. I questioned to see if she'd came home during the day and her response indicated that she hadn't came home, negative.
When I worked in retail she took every paycheck and I hardly even saw anything out of it.
I knew her boyfriend's family members took that money, or in other words, I just somehow paid a hitman to do more damage to me...as my Foster Mother'd left that money, or my hard working dollars, to use as money to buy things for use to mutilate me. It's no sense having a job, or an education, much less a Life.
I've lived a life only to suffer because of it, I lived a life knowing that I'd only deserved to die. I never deserved to have a life and life never deserved to have me.
I find this tough for myself because it's extremely difficult for myself to actually "Realize" anything. If someone asks me a question or tries to explain something to me, I stare blankly at them, not realizing a thing that they're saying. I could be reading words off of a page and still I wouldn't realize what on earth they're trying to tell me.
As I am not slow, I suffered seizures my entire life and I'm wondering if the cause of myself not realizing is because of my seizures and because of being continuously drugged.
As someone is speaking to me, my mind is either constantly racing or going to sleep on me. I feel like my brain is literally floating in something, like maybe the clouds and it feels so saturated at times that my head itself feels heavy.
I was placed on Depakote ER for around two thirds of my life. I feel as though it'd taken away those two thirds of my life, plus I was being drugged with nasty things by a stranger which slowed my thinking down, to impulsivity and a racing mind which applied "incoherent thoughts" to the normality of "everyday life".
The main reason for being placed on Depakote ER was to prevent myself from going mentally misplaced, but the reason I'd gone mentally misplaced was only because of the drugs that were intravenously injected into my blood stream while I'd had seizures.
Today, I am on Trileptal and Abilify. While on these two medications, I function about 75% better than when I was taking Depakote, Prolixin, Prolixin Decanoate, Lexapro, Cogentin, Risperdal, and others I haven't mentioned. Out of All these medications that I'd taken, none of them helped me more than the two I'm on right now.
As a young teen of 16, I was placed in the unit for attempted suicide. Nothing in the home seemed the same, as I was constantly being drugged intravenously and orally prior to and post hospitalization. I was actually placed in the unit and driven insane, only to be a "money market income" for the Stranger I was living with, as she wasn't only receiving my disablilty pay to pay her boyfriend and his family, but my Father's child support money which she most likely paid them to destroy me as well.
To this day, my disability goes into neither my Foster Mother's hands nor mine, but into the hands of her boyfriend and his family of all ages. This money, as I'd been keeping track of it in online banking, has been withdrawn on the third day of the month where my Foster Mother was not even at the bank, or did not even leave for work as yet.
I gained access to the account with my disablilty pay, only around 2 years ago, but only electronically, as I was never able to gain access to my ATM card that led to the account. What made me realize that I'd been receiving disability pay was because of the many times my Foster Mother had me contact social security to tell them that I "wasn't receiving enough money to support myself". Little had I known, at the time I was employed at the bank and at the retail stores, my Foster Mother received not only my disablilty money, but my ENTIRE TWO WEEK PAYCHECK, which she most likely gave to her boyfriend, aside from my disability money in which they were forever collecting to use to destroy and mutilate me.
At one time, when I was working at the bank, my Foster Mother threatened to lock me out of the house and evict me for $550 rent, which I refused to give to her. At the time, her boyfriend and his family who were receiving my Disability money were getting $471, as they had my ATM card and in reference to social security records on the Social Security site. My Foster Mother claimed she wasn't getting anything at all at the time of my employment and demanded this money from me. One night, she took $200 from me, as I'd been forced and threatened to give it to her. When she left for work in the morning, all ten 20's of those bills were still on her dresser, and even when I was leaving for work as well. When I returned home, all $200, or ten twenties were missing from her dresser. I questioned to see if she'd came home during the day and her response indicated that she hadn't came home, negative.
When I worked in retail she took every paycheck and I hardly even saw anything out of it.
I knew her boyfriend's family members took that money, or in other words, I just somehow paid a hitman to do more damage to me...as my Foster Mother'd left that money, or my hard working dollars, to use as money to buy things for use to mutilate me. It's no sense having a job, or an education, much less a Life.
I've lived a life only to suffer because of it, I lived a life knowing that I'd only deserved to die. I never deserved to have a life and life never deserved to have me.
