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EldritchFox That does sound great! But the problem is that without hope, I wont try and if I don't try, there's 0 chance of anything happening or improving. So for that reason, I want to have hope.
But on the other hand, it's been 40 fucking years and nothing has worked out, no matter what or how hard I try. So for that reason, I don't want to have hope. But that feeling of true hoplessness is unbearable for me. I'd never felt it like that before. Maybe if my situation was already better than it currently is, I could live without hope and be happy with what I have. But that's not my situation.
I either try and get disappointed and depressed. Or I don't try, skip the disappointment but still get the depression, as well as this nagging feeling that I should be doing something since I'm not happy about the way things are, even though that's been proven time and time again to be a pointless endeavor.
Both options are kind of the same and both suck. I'm stuck in life and I'm stuck in this loop of trying, failing, losing hope, eventually thinking I might as well try again, maybe even having real hope, failing, losing hope.... and so on. If I cut myself out of the loop, then I'm just left with absolutely nothing. But the loop hurts too, so I'm really just fucked either way.
