I am sorry you are experiencing this. I know only what you've shared here. I too have wished for a complete disappearance, there's even a song I tie to it, from shock rocker Marilyn Manson I Want To Disappear, it's pretty catchy btw. I mention it not superfluously, but as an example of matching what we go through with something from the creative world of either music, or film and books. With the internet, with precise direction with certain key terms and so forth a power over the situation can be nurtured, so that a better outlook can be integrated. I know a little of how awful the world is, and I'm thinking as I type that perhaps your environment isn't stable, I hope i'm wrong about that, but if not, I hope you can maximize time being spent in a safe location, and I'll give one more example in a new paragraph.
There's a guy, Corbett, he has a channel called The Corbett Report, I forget his first name but Corbett's his last. Well he's become a semi famous creator, giving excellent information on stuff, well from what i've read, he was at a very low point in his life, and what got him to where he is today as a successful creator of refreshingly important and intelligent content was having a lot of time with the internet, researching 9/11 was his specific topic he got into.
For you it can be anything, that touches closely to what is the issue(s), which of them are related to big stories, recent or distant past, and look into those topics and stories, use YouTube search engines with key words and phrases, just seeing other situations where others have experienced similar things should be an immediate refreshing thing.
There is understanding to be had, wishing the end says imo that none of it mattered, it did and does matter. There is always something the matter when there's unresolved issues. Be patient, and hoping the best for you. 🫂
