Feeling lonely, lost and depressed…

[media=https://youtu.be/51xrIjki5dg]

NIN - Find My Way (Oneohtrix Point Never Remix)

[Verse 1]
Lord my path has gone astray
I'm just trying to find my way
Wandered here from far away
I'm just trying to find my way
You were never meant to see
All those things inside of me
And now that you've gone away
I'm just trying to find my way

[Chorus]
Oh, oh
Oh, oh

[Verse 2]
I have made a great mistake
Pray the Lord my soul to take
The ghost of who I used to be
I can feel them come for me

[Outro]
I have been to every place
I have been to everywhere
I'm just trying to find my way
Oh, dear Lord, hear my prayer
I have been to every place
I have been to everywhere
I'm just trying to find my way
Oh, dear Lord, hear my prayer
I have been to every place
I have been to everywhere
I'm just trying to find my way
Oh, dear Lord, hear my prayer
I have been to every place
I have been to everywhere
I'm just trying to find my way
~~~

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hartfire · 61-69

What kind of companionship, shared activity or conversation gives you the most fulfilling sense of connection?
How often do you need it?
How could you create it?

Where are you now?
What would you like your destination to be?
If you don't know, brainstorm a list of possibilities: they can arise from a list your of values, the priorities among you values, plus your existing talents and skills.
Which of the resulting ideas is possible? What could be done to make them possible?
How do you feel as you consider these?
What kind of map(s) do you need... to help you get there?

What is the source of your depression? You've mentioned feeling lonely and lost, but there could be others that contribute.
Some common sources are: grief, anxiety, 'nger, shame, self-hate, lack of meaning, purpose or direction, feeling trapped, lack of exercise, poor diet, genetic predisposition or any mix of any number of these elements
Once you've identified all the sources, you have a clue about what needs to change and how to do it.
Recovery starts with the first step, and every step makes a difference.

Since you have faith, perhaps you could find purpose or meaning through it.
Perhaps you could have a private conversation with the leader of your congregation,
or just approach any minister who has training in counselling and pastoral care.

RunTheJulz · 46-50, F

@hartfire chronic pain is the most serious cause of my depression.

hartfire · 61-69

@RunTheJulz Aah! I forgot to list that one.
Yes, I have chronic pain to, due to osteopenia and bone breaks. It is indeed very wearing, very hard to endure long term.
Could you tell me more about the specifc causes of your pain?

RunTheJulz · 46-50, F

@hartfire I broke my L-5 4 separate times and I burst the discs in between L-4/L-5/S-1 and had to have a spinal fusion with titanium 20 years ago this November. I had a slow and difficult recovery but after 7 years I was finally able to get back to my favorite activities and after about 6-8 years of being active with chronic pain but I managed it. Then I suddenly had severe pain and I didn’t know what I did to cause it. It took almost 2 years to get an appointment with a very reputable neurosurgeon and after numerous scans of various types it turns out that I broke my fusion and I collapsed all the discs from my sacrum to the lower 3-4 thoracic levels. His opinion is that I need to have surgery and have it done through a small opening below my bellybutton (anterior lumbar intraspinal fusion) and he will have to build a fusion one level at a time until I’m fused from my sacrum to my T-9 and there’s no guarantee of pain relief. The only guarantee is that I won’t be able to bend at my waist and I won’t be able to do any of the activities that I’m passionate about. I’m so frustrated and I was informed that if I lived in Canada and had the backing of their medical system I would be eligible for euthanasia. I’m losing faith in my doctors and the us health care industry in general and at 47 I still have lots of stuff I wanted to do but I don’t want to put my hope into anything only to be let down (again) I’m single and have no children and I’m starting to feel like euthanasia isn’t a bad option.

hartfire · 61-69

@RunTheJulz That is tragic, and I can see why you could feel your situation leaves little room for hope.
Back pain is one of the worst. Not much wonder given the number of nerve highways bunched in the spine.
I don't think there's any perfect medical system anywhere in the world. If one thinks about it, there are so many variables to consider in each case, and since all humans are fallible, mistakes are unavoidable.

But if one weighs the statistics, we in the West usually get far more positive outcomes than bad ones.
It does sound like your expert knows what he's doing. That idea of fusing one level at a time sounds like the best plan for avoiding damage to the nerves.
I think your chances sound very likely to be a success.

When losing the activities one loves most, it's natural to feel profound grief.
Can you imagine being able to develop new interests and passions?