I Hate My Life
Dismal Pretty Much Sums Up My Life... I am ashamed to admit it, but I really do hate my life. I have missed out on so many essential life experiences that the vast majority of other people seem to take for granted that I find it too humiliating to talk about. I want it to end, but I am too afraid to do it. One of the best times of the day is when I go to sleep as I can block everything out...but sleep never seems to last very long before it's morning, and I have no choice but to confront reality once again. I honestly wish that I hadn't been born, it has almost been a complete waste of time...I have achieved nothing, and all it has resulted in is me being so unhappy and lonely. I often daydream, not about being filthy rich, or driving a Ferrari, or possessing some amazing superhuman powers etc., but just being a regular person. I dream that I am a moderately successful person in a career that I enjoy, that I am still in my early/mid 20's and on the cusp of a promising life, that I am financially comfortable, and that I have a small group of true friends, and that I am in a loving relationship.
On the subject of relationships, I have never had one (at least, not a proper one). In all honesty, the real reason for this is because I have been held back due to the complications arising from my screwed-up life rather than anything such as physical appearance etc. As I am so humiliated by by mediocre circumstances, it would be impossible for me to contemplate having a serious and loving relationship with a woman. And then, this summer, something happened to me that I never thought would happen again. I fell in love. It is rather complicated to go into details about it, but it is not possible to be with her at the moment. Her name is Samantha and she is my soulmate...I love her so much and I desperately want to be with her.
I now understand that I will never be able to resolve these issues plaguing my life. In fact, it was only a couple of years ago when it finally occurred to me that I never stood a decent chance of making it in life because of family issues - or to be more accurate, the malignancy and selfishness of certain family members - that would have disastrous repercussions on my adulthood development, which I could not have foreseen (and taken action against) when I was just a child. There were times when I was younger when I genuinely believed my life would change for the better, and during 2001 it seemed to be coming true...but now I know it was only ever going to end in failure. It was merely a peak rather than marking the start of a bright new beginning. Then it all began to unravel, with the following years proving to be some of the most unpleasant in my life. Over a decade later, and I am back to square one i.e with no life and friendless - the few people that I thought were friends are long gone, almost all of them having betrayed the friendship I had invested in them.
I feel guilt because my mother has done everything possible to make my life happy...she has been the only source of love and positivity in my whole life, and she is the only person I have that I know I can count on and trust...she is the only person that I can call a true friend. If she knew how I really felt, it would break her heart. Life has been terrible to her...but she gave me the best childhood possible under difficult circumstances, so I think it is incumbent upon me to stay strong for her sake. Her other two children have been truly vile towards her, but if I did anything to myself I believe that would be the biggest betrayal of all. Doing something to myself at present would be like throwing everything she has done back in her face. And what has happened to me is not her fault. But for all that, the harsh reality is this : a person has been brought into the world, only to be set up for failure.
On the subject of relationships, I have never had one (at least, not a proper one). In all honesty, the real reason for this is because I have been held back due to the complications arising from my screwed-up life rather than anything such as physical appearance etc. As I am so humiliated by by mediocre circumstances, it would be impossible for me to contemplate having a serious and loving relationship with a woman. And then, this summer, something happened to me that I never thought would happen again. I fell in love. It is rather complicated to go into details about it, but it is not possible to be with her at the moment. Her name is Samantha and she is my soulmate...I love her so much and I desperately want to be with her.
I now understand that I will never be able to resolve these issues plaguing my life. In fact, it was only a couple of years ago when it finally occurred to me that I never stood a decent chance of making it in life because of family issues - or to be more accurate, the malignancy and selfishness of certain family members - that would have disastrous repercussions on my adulthood development, which I could not have foreseen (and taken action against) when I was just a child. There were times when I was younger when I genuinely believed my life would change for the better, and during 2001 it seemed to be coming true...but now I know it was only ever going to end in failure. It was merely a peak rather than marking the start of a bright new beginning. Then it all began to unravel, with the following years proving to be some of the most unpleasant in my life. Over a decade later, and I am back to square one i.e with no life and friendless - the few people that I thought were friends are long gone, almost all of them having betrayed the friendship I had invested in them.
I feel guilt because my mother has done everything possible to make my life happy...she has been the only source of love and positivity in my whole life, and she is the only person I have that I know I can count on and trust...she is the only person that I can call a true friend. If she knew how I really felt, it would break her heart. Life has been terrible to her...but she gave me the best childhood possible under difficult circumstances, so I think it is incumbent upon me to stay strong for her sake. Her other two children have been truly vile towards her, but if I did anything to myself I believe that would be the biggest betrayal of all. Doing something to myself at present would be like throwing everything she has done back in her face. And what has happened to me is not her fault. But for all that, the harsh reality is this : a person has been brought into the world, only to be set up for failure.
