Everyday is exactly the same and there doesn't seem to be an exit from this loop.

I'm in a rut an endless loop that I've been walking for awhile. This path has been carved so deep into the ground if you look up you may not be able to tell what time of day it is or is it night? I used to care about things, I used to have many interests, I used to go places and hang out with people but it's slowed to a trickle. I'm just tired and numb. Tired of being treated like crap, tired of stress, tired of feeling worthless and stupid and have reduced myself to going to work, going home, getting high and that's the entire cycle right there. Sometimes if I'm up to it I'll hang out with people or go somewhere but it's not like it used to be. I went to the park recently thinking fresh air would do me good but I just felt anxious the entire time like I couldn't relax. I wandered aimlessly and felt like I didn't know what to do with myself. Thing is I often feel that way when I go places alone. I want to be there but I just feel so anxious and unsure of what to do or if I should be there or not. Sometimes I'll pull into the parking lot and just freak out and go home because I don't know if I can do it due to those anxious feelings. Honestly? That's nothing new I've always had that issue ever since I was a kid. If I had to guess and mind you I am not a psychologist or expert by any means I believe it stems from being ostracized and bullied. I never understood why I was ostracized by everyone I just was. No matter how nice I was or how helpful I was or how much I tried to fit in it was as if an invisible mark was stamped on my forehead that said "not like us". It was rare to find a place where I did fit in and did find acceptance and when I found it I fought hard to never let go. Unfortunately nothing lasts forever and then I wander again to try to find what I once had. I guess I rambled on too much and got sidetracked from the original topic.

Back on topic......

I'm supposed to this summer go on a trip with some friends but during the planning process they are all excited and asking me for my input and I'm just nodding along with whatever they say because deep down I don't care. I should care and I should be excited because I love going to the woods and being up north but at the same time I don't have the energy to smile or show any shred of enthusiasm. It will be different when I actually get there that's usually how it goes but I wish I felt something more, I wish I felt what they did and do. It's weird because I want to be with other people but at the same time I want to be left alone. Talk to me but don't. Spend time with me but don't. Push and pull. Open and close. Yes and no. It's confusing and I just feel like all it does is anger everyone.