I have been part of this for so long now. In that time, I have lost six people, six lives I’ve had to grieve. All of them gone.
It hasn't been any different offline, especially early in my life. That doesn't really change the agony of loss. More that it reinforces it, I get attached, and eventual loss always follows.
Working in healthcare and humanitarianism only compounds it. Not only you witness the stark disconnect between how recklessly we live, clinging to the illusions, and how fragile life actually is. You witness it often in aloness while all else remains. You are alone. We humans never stop creating stories for comfort or distraction. The norm is death and life is our little make-belief attempt to escape it for a while.
Today is another day I have to try my best while knowing I am very much mostly helpless. Buying time. I am so tired. I haven't slept five hours straight in weeks. Some guy puts a note that my efforts are commandable and outstanding. His job is to evaluate mine. I think it is funny because I honestly do not believe those words are worth a turd. And I don't even understand why he thinks I would need it.
I will keep trying to fix, faithless, tired, sleepy, "condescending" towards my own efforts.
I will still choose to fix it, because I could not even try before , and it is much more painful to do nothing than try.. much more painful to be nothing than cling to your own strength and help , temporarily.
Well that's the case for me. It is painful to me. I know it is the exception. Most people have given up on caring and it means nothing to me. And while I can't fix everything, I still have some strength to spare, I am still not apathetic. Why waste it willingly, right ?
The 1st of November is soon. Many died for that day, to make things better for their loved ones..for ideas, convictions, choosing the right thing. Many people left behind had to suffer the cruelty of being the ones to survive and remember.
I was born decades after..and much like them I had to suffer my own existential hell. Much like those in warzones do now and in the future too. We are alone and not so alone. Battles are more than just bombs and bodies in shreds. The hardest battles are fought after, in the silence and the masses forgetting while we don't.
That's a story. An illusion? Not a distraction nor comfortable. Just less painful to choose to suffer for a purpose instead of without one and then die. Eyes wide open, ears cleant with screams..and voices while trembling still say no.
I will fix it.
Working in healthcare and humanitarianism only compounds it. Not only you witness the stark disconnect between how recklessly we live, clinging to the illusions, and how fragile life actually is. You witness it often in aloness while all else remains. You are alone. We humans never stop creating stories for comfort or distraction. The norm is death and life is our little make-belief attempt to escape it for a while.
Today is another day I have to try my best while knowing I am very much mostly helpless. Buying time. I am so tired. I haven't slept five hours straight in weeks. Some guy puts a note that my efforts are commandable and outstanding. His job is to evaluate mine. I think it is funny because I honestly do not believe those words are worth a turd. And I don't even understand why he thinks I would need it.
I will keep trying to fix, faithless, tired, sleepy, "condescending" towards my own efforts.
I will still choose to fix it, because I could not even try before , and it is much more painful to do nothing than try.. much more painful to be nothing than cling to your own strength and help , temporarily.
Well that's the case for me. It is painful to me. I know it is the exception. Most people have given up on caring and it means nothing to me. And while I can't fix everything, I still have some strength to spare, I am still not apathetic. Why waste it willingly, right ?
The 1st of November is soon. Many died for that day, to make things better for their loved ones..for ideas, convictions, choosing the right thing. Many people left behind had to suffer the cruelty of being the ones to survive and remember.
I was born decades after..and much like them I had to suffer my own existential hell. Much like those in warzones do now and in the future too. We are alone and not so alone. Battles are more than just bombs and bodies in shreds. The hardest battles are fought after, in the silence and the masses forgetting while we don't.
That's a story. An illusion? Not a distraction nor comfortable. Just less painful to choose to suffer for a purpose instead of without one and then die. Eyes wide open, ears cleant with screams..and voices while trembling still say no.
I will fix it.
