I realize now why I fell in love once and it had nothing to do with her, also an epiphany about my mortality
It was because all my life there has been at least one of the following:
1. worry about my career
2. sadness for being alone
3. worry about my own mortality
But very coincidentally when I met my ex gf I was at the start of my career feeling very secure in that (1). I had no sadness for being alone because I wasn't alone (2). I was probably in the best shape of my life (3).
So I was just feeling totally blissful everywhere I went but ever since I no longer have this sensation. I do feel good still but it has never been as happy as during that summer of 2018 because everything ever since is not true resolution of these three things.
Maybe I forget about my career (1) or my cat makes me forget that I am alone (2) or maybe I can just have had an amazing workout where I beat my personal best (3) but those aren't real solutions to these three problems, they are hollow fixes.
Even more I realize just now that actually even though at this point in my life I can see being able to definitely solve 1 and am working towards that goal, 2 and 3 will just continue to be unsolved because there is no woman for me out there that I can accept (2) and I am 45 years old and only getting older (3).
Its hard to realize this.
1. worry about my career
2. sadness for being alone
3. worry about my own mortality
But very coincidentally when I met my ex gf I was at the start of my career feeling very secure in that (1). I had no sadness for being alone because I wasn't alone (2). I was probably in the best shape of my life (3).
So I was just feeling totally blissful everywhere I went but ever since I no longer have this sensation. I do feel good still but it has never been as happy as during that summer of 2018 because everything ever since is not true resolution of these three things.
Maybe I forget about my career (1) or my cat makes me forget that I am alone (2) or maybe I can just have had an amazing workout where I beat my personal best (3) but those aren't real solutions to these three problems, they are hollow fixes.
Even more I realize just now that actually even though at this point in my life I can see being able to definitely solve 1 and am working towards that goal, 2 and 3 will just continue to be unsolved because there is no woman for me out there that I can accept (2) and I am 45 years old and only getting older (3).
Its hard to realize this.
