dead and unbothered or alive and destructive?

the only reason i’m alive is because of my mom, the idea of her finding my lifeless body wouldn’t be something i could do. after all she gave me her all. i’d be repaying her with death? so what now? roam around on earth and pretend to be normal?
everyone’s pretending if you think about. how come i feel so alone?
i dream of ways i could die, hoping my end is near. i lack comfort in the person i see in the mirror.
Because intentional death is ruled out for now,
other thoughts keep trickling.
on the bus i wish i could scream as loud as my lungs let me. the looks on people faces would probably give me comfort. or just mess with someone’s head, or perception of normal. yelling or unusual behavior would make me feel more in touch with myself. these types of thoughts aren’t all innocent and id be foolish to admit what goes through my head. i feel so unstable that i find it hard to fight the urge of doing something impulsive or “ not normal”
the older i get the crazier i start to feel. what’s the weird part is that i’m aware, i know i shouldn’t be feeling or thinking certain things but i do. i don’t think i can be normal or belong in society.