I am just waiting to die

I stayed in my bed until 4 pm praying to god to let me die in my sleep. My hopes are gone. My dad was not happy I stayed in bed so late and asked me when I was going to start getting up earlier? My parents don’t want me to give up but I have already given up hope. I have been crying again. Part of me doesn’t want to go back to the department of mental health Monday for my appointments for my therapist and psychiatrist. Part of me doesn’t even want to go to Salem this weekend. Part of me doesn’t want to go to the doctor to discuss treatment options for my cancer. I just want to die peacefully and painlessly in my sleep. I’m 33 and I have had enough of life. Why can’t god just let me have my dignity and let me die in peace? I have also never recovered from losing my love and heart Sujeet. That has made me so depressed and I never got over him. I told him I have cancer and he either didn’t get the emails and messages or will not respond. I am in love with a man who long ago found someone else and didn’t even stay my good friend after getting engaged. Why did I break if off with him? I was just trying to spare him my dysfunction and mental illnesses and waiting for me to become financially independent for so many years and because I felt lonely sometimes in an online relationship. Maybe my parents would have helped me get him here now that I am sick. I asked them for help to get him here years ago they said they didn’t know him and so wouldn’t help me have my long distance online boyfriend come to America and stay with us. So I have mental illnesses, cancer, and a heartbreak that will last the rest of my life. If I did my courses and finished them, I could have been making. Money five to eight or nine years ago and started becoming independent financially and eventually moved out on my own and I could have married Sujeet. He grew up poor and went to open distance learning university for finance and accounting bachelors degree but was not paid very much in his career. He had to pay bills, taxes, and help support his aging parents with his brother financially. He didn’t have enough money to travel to the United States and so relied me on me to bring us together. He loved technology and web design and development though and photography. It was hard for seven to eight years to not see him in person. We had all these hopes and dreams involving each other. What kills me the most is I know at one Point he loved me very much and now I can’t even get a response from him even as a friend to check up on me even though I have cancer and have been doing poorly with my depression. I hoped he would never stop caring about me but it looks like he has. What kind of person even to an ex-girlfriend and former best friend will not respond even if I told him I am gravely sick? Does he think it would disrespect his wife to check up on me with concern? He loved me so long ago that he couldn’t picture being with anyone else but me at one point and he was 98% sure about me. I know he found someone else and moved on, but he could still care about me and check in on me sometimes. I wish we stayed at least good friends. He could have given me some comfort in my greatest hour of need. Maybe it would make no difference since he is all the way in India. But talking to him on video call and texting him would bring a semblance of a smile to my face. I used to love hearing from him and talking to him so much even when I felt a little lonely because he wasn’t here with me in person. I just miss everyone gone from my life that had either left me or passed away. Now I guess it is my turn to pass away although it will leave my family with a lot of grief because they love me and wanted me to live to my old age in a few more decades. I sometimes wish when I was sixteen and I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills. That it had worked. My struggles would have been over. My family would have grieved a long time ago and things would have moved on. I still can’t believe I have been diagnosed with cancer. That’s the straw the broke the camel’s back. I have always felt like a victim of life’s circumstances and wallowed in my misery. The love of my life is not even here for me anymore. God made life hard for me and my family even though my sister and I grew up financially upper middle class. My immigrant parents and grandparents put their blood, sweat, and tears into building a life in this. Country overcoming poverty on my. Mothers side and escaping civil war and starting from nothing again on my fathers side. I am not a fighter like them and my sister. I feel like after this cancer diagnosis I have no fight left in me. I just lay around. Sometimes I’ll get around to doing my hobbies and passions by evening. I have voluntarily not left the house in almost a week and even stopped going for my walks for a few days. I’m tired of everything….