My mother passed and I am clearing out her home, my childhood house
My mother passed in August. She rented a house so we (my brother, sister and I) have to clear it out pretty quickly. ([i]my native language is not English, so please forgive my clumsy writing and possible mistakes[/i])
She was an avid collector of things, you could call it a hoarder, but a 'clean' one.
She did not hoard trash, but sweet, beautiful, lovely, warm, cute, pretty and so on items.
Her house was completely and utterly full of it. And even though she did not collect trash, her house did become dirty over time because she was unable to clean it all. Thick layers of dust everywhere.
She suffered from lung disease, but also had bad eyes so she could barely see and could barely walk.
She did not want to go to an elderly home.
She was the sweetest person I know.
A kind and vulnerable heart, with a childlike way of dealing with the world.
She was hiding a lot in her home, afraid for people.
When she passed, she was alone. I do not know if she was afraid or not, and I shed a lot of tears over that.
I wish someone had been with her at that time.
She had a difficult and challenging life. She suffered from depression and social anxiety. In her house she created this warm and welcoming place for herself with, as I said sweet, friendly and cute items.
She had over a 1000 teddy bears for example. Lots of blue marbles that catched the light in the windows, loads of plants, clothes for the bears, colored glass bottles, pokedots on coffee cups, pots and pans. Masses of special looking clothing. There was only some space left to walk, but not much. And on the couch you could not sit because there were so many bears on it.
She kept everything that we as children had made in the past, every little note, every little craft item, every doll or play item.
She still had the paint and glue we used to play with, and had our drawings from 30 + years ago still on the walls, half eaten away by time.
Her house was a museum of our life.
And going through it was so difficult.
Before her passing, she was ill from heart disease and for two months she stayed in a hospital.
In that time, I asked her permission to clear her house a bit and make it more suitable for old age because the heart surgery she had had, gave some promising ideas about the future.
She might have more energy, at some point.
So, she might have a life in front of her with a tiny bit of new fresh potential.
So I wanted to give her a better home.
She usually would not let me change 'anything', but this time she said yes.
So, I put a new clean floor on top of the 35 year old floor, made space for her to walk with a walking aid.
In this time, I already went through so much of her things. I cried often because it was so much and so overwhelming and I was just on my own. There were fleas, lots of dust that made my nose bleed because of allergy. I felt uncomfortable there. I was confronted with all my childhood trauma's.
Our past together had been full of challenges. She had been addicted to alcohol in my childhood. She was an absolutely wonderful person, super friendly and kind but became addicted because of her depressions and fears. It was a giant loss for me because she never became the same again after that.
She did stop drinking, but the alcohol had changed her.
When I went through her things to make a new floor, I vividly remembered who she was before she changed. And I missed her so very much. Pictures of her old self, such a beautiful young stylish and smart woman. I look like her a bit, although she was much prettier to see.
The truth is, that now she has passed. You would think it was all for nothing but I think the intention mattered. The intention to give her a better future.
She passed before she could enjoy it.
Her funeral was, small.
Her funeral insurance had been stopped a few years ago and we could not use it to pay for a normal funeral, only a small one with 15 people. We did not have enough money to pay for a bigger funeral.
I felt so bad about this. I wanted to give her more, I wanted to give her a funeral full of beauty, full of flowers and speeches from people that knew her once and that wanted to give her loving words.
But it did not happen. It was small. And she deserved more.
Her family (sisters) were there with there spouses. It was odd. Because for over 28 years they had not been on touch with her. They had become angry with her when she drank alcohol, and stayed angry. They abandoned not only her, but also us, the children.
I remember feeling so incredibly unrooted, when everyone left. I had no one to go to to talk with or ask for help when I was a child.
My father also suffered from mental illness, schizofrenia.
So we were alone all that time and now suddenly we were confronted with family again. Who appeared to care.. but did not truly care when she was alive.
We welcomed them warmly to give them the space to close this chapter in their own way, but inside I was in turmoil and just terribly confused, hurt, alone and overwhelmed by old trauma suddenly appearing at my doorstep.
When we started clearing out her home, those sisters did not help at all. One of them wanted my mothers clothing and came to collect 6 trash bags full of it.
It made me angry.
I am currently unsure about how to deal with everything. I feel like there are heaps of unresolved feelings inside of me, and I did not have the time to deal with any of it.
Before all this started I felt clear and balanced, but now so much has happened in such a short amount of time that I feel lost, exhausted and depressed.
On top of everything, my partners mother also passed away.
I am overwhelmed and tired.
My mother was a beautiful flower.
A very sensitive flower, in a very harsh world.
She was artistic, friendly, loving.
She was very smart and had eye for details in everything including people.
If she had been surrounded by the right people when she fell into her first depression, she would have made it through and then she would have been a beautiful asset to this world. A beautiful loving person very able to have compassion and understanding for everyone.
A beautiful potential was hidden in her and I have always seen it.
I feel sad, that it was lost.
I feel sad that this world is so harsh, that the loving and sensitive people, the kind ones that are not fighters but gives of love.. do not make it.
She was an avid collector of things, you could call it a hoarder, but a 'clean' one.
She did not hoard trash, but sweet, beautiful, lovely, warm, cute, pretty and so on items.
Her house was completely and utterly full of it. And even though she did not collect trash, her house did become dirty over time because she was unable to clean it all. Thick layers of dust everywhere.
She suffered from lung disease, but also had bad eyes so she could barely see and could barely walk.
She did not want to go to an elderly home.
She was the sweetest person I know.
A kind and vulnerable heart, with a childlike way of dealing with the world.
She was hiding a lot in her home, afraid for people.
When she passed, she was alone. I do not know if she was afraid or not, and I shed a lot of tears over that.
I wish someone had been with her at that time.
She had a difficult and challenging life. She suffered from depression and social anxiety. In her house she created this warm and welcoming place for herself with, as I said sweet, friendly and cute items.
She had over a 1000 teddy bears for example. Lots of blue marbles that catched the light in the windows, loads of plants, clothes for the bears, colored glass bottles, pokedots on coffee cups, pots and pans. Masses of special looking clothing. There was only some space left to walk, but not much. And on the couch you could not sit because there were so many bears on it.
She kept everything that we as children had made in the past, every little note, every little craft item, every doll or play item.
She still had the paint and glue we used to play with, and had our drawings from 30 + years ago still on the walls, half eaten away by time.
Her house was a museum of our life.
And going through it was so difficult.
Before her passing, she was ill from heart disease and for two months she stayed in a hospital.
In that time, I asked her permission to clear her house a bit and make it more suitable for old age because the heart surgery she had had, gave some promising ideas about the future.
She might have more energy, at some point.
So, she might have a life in front of her with a tiny bit of new fresh potential.
So I wanted to give her a better home.
She usually would not let me change 'anything', but this time she said yes.
So, I put a new clean floor on top of the 35 year old floor, made space for her to walk with a walking aid.
In this time, I already went through so much of her things. I cried often because it was so much and so overwhelming and I was just on my own. There were fleas, lots of dust that made my nose bleed because of allergy. I felt uncomfortable there. I was confronted with all my childhood trauma's.
Our past together had been full of challenges. She had been addicted to alcohol in my childhood. She was an absolutely wonderful person, super friendly and kind but became addicted because of her depressions and fears. It was a giant loss for me because she never became the same again after that.
She did stop drinking, but the alcohol had changed her.
When I went through her things to make a new floor, I vividly remembered who she was before she changed. And I missed her so very much. Pictures of her old self, such a beautiful young stylish and smart woman. I look like her a bit, although she was much prettier to see.
The truth is, that now she has passed. You would think it was all for nothing but I think the intention mattered. The intention to give her a better future.
She passed before she could enjoy it.
Her funeral was, small.
Her funeral insurance had been stopped a few years ago and we could not use it to pay for a normal funeral, only a small one with 15 people. We did not have enough money to pay for a bigger funeral.
I felt so bad about this. I wanted to give her more, I wanted to give her a funeral full of beauty, full of flowers and speeches from people that knew her once and that wanted to give her loving words.
But it did not happen. It was small. And she deserved more.
Her family (sisters) were there with there spouses. It was odd. Because for over 28 years they had not been on touch with her. They had become angry with her when she drank alcohol, and stayed angry. They abandoned not only her, but also us, the children.
I remember feeling so incredibly unrooted, when everyone left. I had no one to go to to talk with or ask for help when I was a child.
My father also suffered from mental illness, schizofrenia.
So we were alone all that time and now suddenly we were confronted with family again. Who appeared to care.. but did not truly care when she was alive.
We welcomed them warmly to give them the space to close this chapter in their own way, but inside I was in turmoil and just terribly confused, hurt, alone and overwhelmed by old trauma suddenly appearing at my doorstep.
When we started clearing out her home, those sisters did not help at all. One of them wanted my mothers clothing and came to collect 6 trash bags full of it.
It made me angry.
I am currently unsure about how to deal with everything. I feel like there are heaps of unresolved feelings inside of me, and I did not have the time to deal with any of it.
Before all this started I felt clear and balanced, but now so much has happened in such a short amount of time that I feel lost, exhausted and depressed.
On top of everything, my partners mother also passed away.
I am overwhelmed and tired.
My mother was a beautiful flower.
A very sensitive flower, in a very harsh world.
She was artistic, friendly, loving.
She was very smart and had eye for details in everything including people.
If she had been surrounded by the right people when she fell into her first depression, she would have made it through and then she would have been a beautiful asset to this world. A beautiful loving person very able to have compassion and understanding for everyone.
A beautiful potential was hidden in her and I have always seen it.
I feel sad, that it was lost.
I feel sad that this world is so harsh, that the loving and sensitive people, the kind ones that are not fighters but gives of love.. do not make it.
36-40, F
