My experience with death
When my mother was subconscious and we knew for sure that it was only a matter of time before she passes away, all my siblings were suddenly interested in spending time with her. I wasn't.
I did visit daily, but mostly out of being there for her, even if she was unaware. I was not like them, savoring every moment while she is still around. I am not sure why. I even often let my sister take my place inside the ICU, because only a specific number was allowed in, and I did that because I knew it meant more to her. As for me, as long as I knew my mother was taken care of, that was enough.
I really don't know why I felt that way, and why I wasn't drying to spend every single second with her when I knew for a fact that she won't be around very soon.
Some of them seemed not genuine in their care, like my brother, and others seemed genuine but just irrational.. My brother was in the same house when she was conscious, in pain, and is VERY DIFFICULT to handle.. But he hardly gave any efforts to take care of her or showed his face much.. Only when she went subconscious, suddenly he was interested in sitting next to her, reading the holy words... My sister cared so much, but was not around daily because she did not live with us.. I still found how she wanted to spend every second like just irrational need, it is not mostly about love and care... Meaning that I don't think my sister loved my mother more and this is why she wanted to spend time with her more, but rather she just needed it more than me.
I find the way I dealt with my mother's sickness and passing away experience to be very weird.... I am usually more emotional than this... but when it was all happening, I was cold, strong, and very rational... Although it is not exactly my nature to be cold.. I only got weak and emotional after my mother actually passed away and not even right away, but it happened gradually. I always thought that I'd be more broken when this happened, but I reacted very differently than I thought .. and I am yet to discover what's next and in it for me.. and what is the next phase of dealing with this, because its been phases for me.
I did visit daily, but mostly out of being there for her, even if she was unaware. I was not like them, savoring every moment while she is still around. I am not sure why. I even often let my sister take my place inside the ICU, because only a specific number was allowed in, and I did that because I knew it meant more to her. As for me, as long as I knew my mother was taken care of, that was enough.
I really don't know why I felt that way, and why I wasn't drying to spend every single second with her when I knew for a fact that she won't be around very soon.
Some of them seemed not genuine in their care, like my brother, and others seemed genuine but just irrational.. My brother was in the same house when she was conscious, in pain, and is VERY DIFFICULT to handle.. But he hardly gave any efforts to take care of her or showed his face much.. Only when she went subconscious, suddenly he was interested in sitting next to her, reading the holy words... My sister cared so much, but was not around daily because she did not live with us.. I still found how she wanted to spend every second like just irrational need, it is not mostly about love and care... Meaning that I don't think my sister loved my mother more and this is why she wanted to spend time with her more, but rather she just needed it more than me.
I find the way I dealt with my mother's sickness and passing away experience to be very weird.... I am usually more emotional than this... but when it was all happening, I was cold, strong, and very rational... Although it is not exactly my nature to be cold.. I only got weak and emotional after my mother actually passed away and not even right away, but it happened gradually. I always thought that I'd be more broken when this happened, but I reacted very differently than I thought .. and I am yet to discover what's next and in it for me.. and what is the next phase of dealing with this, because its been phases for me.
31-35, F
