I used to spend hours on this site pretending to be a girl, until I realized I was supposed to be one
So, throughout my twenties, I had several different accounts where I took on a female persona, including a few on this site. Now, I was a guy in real life. Everyone knew me as a guy, and I thought of myself as a guy. But I had this strange hobby of pretending to be a girl on the internet. I didn't think too deeply about it. I just knew that I liked being perceived as female, for some reason. I don't know why I didn't introspect more deeply on that reason. Maybe I was afraid of what I would uncover? I had always felt sympathetic (empathetic?) toward trans people, but for me, I thought that being trans would ruin my life. So I downplayed it, just considered it a weird thing that I liked to do to unwind at the end of the day. And that was fine for a while, until something inside me demanded honesty from myself.
Late last year, I realized that I was aging into the body of an older man, and I found it very unsettling. I thought about my online girl accounts over the years, about how I felt when people perceived me as a girl. I started thinking about my future and my past. I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my then-girlfriend (now-wife!), and she encouraged me to explore my gender. So I did. I've grown out my hair, learned makeup and skincare, and even found some clothes that make me look okay. Sometimes I looked awkward; other times, I'd look in the mirror and I'd see a girl looking back at me, and I loved that. I went to our local Pride event dressed as a woman, and I felt comfortable and at peace. With each step forward that I took on this gender journey, I came closer to confronting the realization that I was supposed to be a girl.
This whole time, I was supposed to be a girl. Subconsciously, I think I knew. When people online perceived me as a girl, I think that was nourishing for my subconscious. But my conscious, day-to-day self was not ready to accept that, for whatever reason.
I've spoken to a therapist about this for most of the year. I spoke to a doctor just last week, and after our consultation she prescribed me HRT (estrogen). I'm finally going to get to be a girl. And, hey, I'm realistic. I know that it'll take time. I know that I'll never be a cis woman. I know that I'll never have some of the experiences that women who were raised as girls have. And I know that some people will look at me funny or refuse to believe that I'm female. But... that's okay, because I'm grateful to live in a time and a place where this is possible for me. And I'm glad that I finally realized the truth about myself. I'll finally get to live as myself not just on the internet, but in the real world too.
Thank you for reading 馃挏
Late last year, I realized that I was aging into the body of an older man, and I found it very unsettling. I thought about my online girl accounts over the years, about how I felt when people perceived me as a girl. I started thinking about my future and my past. I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my then-girlfriend (now-wife!), and she encouraged me to explore my gender. So I did. I've grown out my hair, learned makeup and skincare, and even found some clothes that make me look okay. Sometimes I looked awkward; other times, I'd look in the mirror and I'd see a girl looking back at me, and I loved that. I went to our local Pride event dressed as a woman, and I felt comfortable and at peace. With each step forward that I took on this gender journey, I came closer to confronting the realization that I was supposed to be a girl.
This whole time, I was supposed to be a girl. Subconsciously, I think I knew. When people online perceived me as a girl, I think that was nourishing for my subconscious. But my conscious, day-to-day self was not ready to accept that, for whatever reason.
I've spoken to a therapist about this for most of the year. I spoke to a doctor just last week, and after our consultation she prescribed me HRT (estrogen). I'm finally going to get to be a girl. And, hey, I'm realistic. I know that it'll take time. I know that I'll never be a cis woman. I know that I'll never have some of the experiences that women who were raised as girls have. And I know that some people will look at me funny or refuse to believe that I'm female. But... that's okay, because I'm grateful to live in a time and a place where this is possible for me. And I'm glad that I finally realized the truth about myself. I'll finally get to live as myself not just on the internet, but in the real world too.
Thank you for reading 馃挏
