I Have a Confession
I drink to escape; escape the pressures of family, work, getting up, going to bed, recovering from trauma, or just to be numb to myself.
I come from a long line of alcohlic abusers. They were addicted to many things, but alcohol was the preferred agent. From a genetic point of view, drinking is like betting my life savings on roulette. Odds are, I would become addicted at some point. Yet I drank, partly because I didn't know any better. It was, after all, the coping mechanism I grew up around. Now it has become a problem because a six pack a week habit became a case a week habit. There were no nights where I wasn't at least a little buzzed.
The funny thing is that I have always been the quickest to judge the drinker, the drug addict, and the addicted gambler for risking their whole life on a drink, a snort, or a roll of the dice. I thought they were the lowest of the low, all the while living with a alcoholic drink of some sort in my hand to feed my so-called courage.
I am not proud of myself. It is with great shame that I write this. I am what I have condemned most in my life. Much of my substance abuse came because of learning to cope via addicted means and with various substances, but I have to take responsibility for the choices I have made. I have been abused in some of the most awful ways imagineable, but the choice to drink and use other substances was mine and mine alone.
I come from a long line of alcohlic abusers. They were addicted to many things, but alcohol was the preferred agent. From a genetic point of view, drinking is like betting my life savings on roulette. Odds are, I would become addicted at some point. Yet I drank, partly because I didn't know any better. It was, after all, the coping mechanism I grew up around. Now it has become a problem because a six pack a week habit became a case a week habit. There were no nights where I wasn't at least a little buzzed.
The funny thing is that I have always been the quickest to judge the drinker, the drug addict, and the addicted gambler for risking their whole life on a drink, a snort, or a roll of the dice. I thought they were the lowest of the low, all the while living with a alcoholic drink of some sort in my hand to feed my so-called courage.
I am not proud of myself. It is with great shame that I write this. I am what I have condemned most in my life. Much of my substance abuse came because of learning to cope via addicted means and with various substances, but I have to take responsibility for the choices I have made. I have been abused in some of the most awful ways imagineable, but the choice to drink and use other substances was mine and mine alone.
56-60, M