I Have a Confession
I just have to accept the fact that I have love for 2 people. It's old news now and it's gotten to the point where it's all that my boyfriend and I talk about. I didn't mean to cause issues in the relationship, but maybe it's time I started thinking about what I want to do. He didn't do anything wrong. I am just wrestling with my wants and needs. The relationship itself is not bad, only the lack of time we have and the habits that have added up. But that one subject keeps popping up that I didn't experience enough in life before I dated him. I only had 1 boyfriend before him and it only lasted almost 6 months. My boyfriend knows what he wants because he's experienced more and wants only me. He's also 7 years older than I am. He wants me to only want him. I never imagined that I would fall back into thinking about the other person. If someone would have asked me several years ago if I would ever leave my boyfriend's side, I would have told them no. I thought I was going to be okay. I feel as though I would be less pure if I were to decide to leave him and down the line get with someone else. I don't want to leave him, but if things sour then I won't be happy with my life ever. There are only 2 people I have ever truly loved. Those are the 2 I've been talking about. They don't want to compete for me, and I don't blame them. But I still keep looking at all the different scenerios...How would my life be if I stayed here? How would my life be if I left? I would feel alone...
If I decided to run to the other person, what would I have to deal with in his situation? Do I want change? Do I want a situation I'm unfamiliar with? If I stayed with my boyfriend, I already know the situation, and am able to deal with it...though not the loneliness. Being caught in the middle is one of the worst feelings, but maybe the lesson here is to stop having problems making decisions. Unfortunately, I have an emotional connection here with both of them. I can't just decide now. I really do want to be happy. I do I do I do. But in order to do that, I must weigh everything first. I want to take the road that hurts the least. It's what I do. I may even surprise myself in the process. But we'll see.
If I decided to run to the other person, what would I have to deal with in his situation? Do I want change? Do I want a situation I'm unfamiliar with? If I stayed with my boyfriend, I already know the situation, and am able to deal with it...though not the loneliness. Being caught in the middle is one of the worst feelings, but maybe the lesson here is to stop having problems making decisions. Unfortunately, I have an emotional connection here with both of them. I can't just decide now. I really do want to be happy. I do I do I do. But in order to do that, I must weigh everything first. I want to take the road that hurts the least. It's what I do. I may even surprise myself in the process. But we'll see.
41-45, F
