I Have a Confession

After last night, I want to crawl back into my crab shell (as a cancer) and stop caring about everything. I know running away from the problem is not going to help the situation, but I don't know what else to do. I have expressed my feelings toward both my boyfriend and the person who is supposed to leave and get married...and I have expressed it with both of them sitting in the same room. I have poured out my heart and been put on the spot about the matter, and I don't know what else to do or say to make things less complicated. I just wish it would all go away and I wouldn't have to face it anymore. Because I don't know what to do. I don't want anyone hurt. And I sure as hell don't want to pick up my things and go. But I feel as though leaving would be kinder. Just leaving it all behind. But where would I go? Who would I be? I'd be even more lost than I am now. I wouldn't know what to do with myself, or how to cope. I wouldn't make it by myself alone, and I would be so lonely. I absolutely NEED people in my life. If I didn't have anyone to talk to I would go insane. After last night, my boyfriend has said, that before last night he would have never thought there were doubts about us. I really don't want him to doubt. I don't want to doubt myself. He says there are things we must work out in the relationship. Granted, he has habits. But I am comfortable in the relationship with him as a person. I see his habits as things he needs to work on. I have habits myself. And as far as his job goes, I cannot change that. That is not something I would want to take away from him, as he worked so hard to get to that point and has accomplished the ultimate goal. I love him. I really do. But I believe that my emotional state calls for more than what he has been giving me as far as solid time and attention goes. He says he will go crazy if he doesn't have time to himself. I understand that. But the time we had when we first got together was a lot better than the time we have had in the past year and a half. When we first got together he studied outside of school around me. I had two jobs at the time and was going part time in school. He made sure that our schedules worked together, and when he wasn't studying or working we would play games together. Nowadays both of our lives have changed drastically. I am in school full time and don't work as much (except I'm currently out for the summer), and when I am at school he is at work. We get home and I cook dinner. He plays games. When dinner is ready, we watch an episode of something on Netflix, and then he wants to play more games. But the games he is playing are online games that I am not included in. I would if I could...though I have other things like home work to worry about. That will change soon, as I have only a few classes until I graduate. Then I'm supposed to find a career in my field. Unfortunately a Bachelor's in music concentration doesn't get you very far in the world of music. If I have problems and end up not finding something, I will end up being a lonely house wife waiting for her man to come home. It scares me. I want badly for this relationship to work, but I will only be miserable if I end up a lonely house wife. It won't be his fault. None of this is his fault. All of this stuff that's been happening is my fault and my fault alone (if you don't count the seeming neglect). If I had never seeked out that old friend, who I have so much chemistry with, we wouldn't be in this situation. Of course, there would still be the lonely house wife issues, but it all comes down to me not choosing a very worthy path. I went to school and got good grades, but the society doesn't demand musicians...or writers. It's all I'm good at, so I pursued it. The one who is supposed to get married is somehow my weakness, and I can't explain why. I have time and again tried to disect my thoughts and feelings and everything in between, but have not come up with an answer. It hurts me to hurt my boyfriend over the matter. Last night I was put on the spot. They asked me if I want something more with the other person. I was surprised at the question, and I didn't know how to answer it. The reason is because I love both of them. I do not want to hurt or betray my boyfriend. I never imagined it before, and never wanted it to be this way. We have been together 7 years. 7 really great years, even though there were struggling times. That struggle brought us together, and made us strong. But how is it that the other person put such a dent in that strong hold? What is wrong with me? Why can't I just have a happy relationship with no complications? It wasn't like this before, so why did I have to be curious and dig up my past? I don't know. Maybe I just needed to learn the hard way that these things shouldn't be bothered. I can't stand myself now. Because now, there's something I must handle that I don't know how to handle. What if I handle it wrong?