I Have a Confession

If I'm always going to feel this way, it's part of who I am. My boyfriend does not see it this way. As far as he is concerned, I should only have eyes for him. I know that I should. He is not wrong to want that. But he is unable to take away what I have been through...the things that I have felt, seen, longed for. It's part of who I am; what I have experienced. He understands that no one can help how they feel. It is completely true. If you feel strongly about someone else, it's hard to change it. I should not feel ashamed, though I do...because I was raised to be loyal and faithful, and trustworthy...and truthful. The truthfullness contradicts being trustworthy. Why do I say this? Because if you think about it, I can't keep anything bottled in...and I have to confide, no matter what. People can trust me with my honesty. But they can't always trust that I will keep the words from coming out. I may as well not say anything at all if you don't want the truth.
Should I embrace the shame that has built up inside me? Should I hold hands with my emotions? As far as my life situation goes, should I let the net of lonliness fall over me, sheilding me from the rest of the world? Should I rebel and run from what may be a good path in front of me? Should I wait and see if the trend keeps going, or if it fades? Certainly there has to be something more to live for at almost 32 years of age. Time is ticking. I have let too many opportunities get away...but am too afraid to lose.