I Have a Confession
Before I tuck in for the night beside my significant other, I would like to say:
I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone. Not even the man who belongs to another. I feel as if I have betrayed my significant other, even though I never acted on my emotions. Until now, everything was great. We talked and told eachother everything. We shared stories, jokes, fond memories, thoughts we had, dreams...And his family loves me. They invite me to special occasions and we exchange gifts like family. I don't want my reputation to be shattered because I slip up and decide to leave. I don't want to lose the connections I've made with his family, because they treat me so well. It's hard to find a significant other with family that appreciates your presence. I feel loved. It doesn't get much better than this. Had I kept my secret inside, I would have felt worse. But to feel this way drives me crazy. I feel like I need a holy shower with the purest soap I can find. I want to wash this all away. I want to let my feelings for this other man go, because it would be better for both of us. He never told his fiance I exist, even though we've known eachother since age 15. That is the first red flag. Even if I was single and ran into his arms, would he love only me? I feel even more rotten because he said he can't say no to me, and that if I ever wanted to act on my feelings he wouldn't ob<x>ject. I always wanted to feel entwined with him, but that thought makes me want to crawl into a hole and cry. A long time friend of mine says he's baiting me. I would never do it, and if I found myself doing it I would never forgive myself. I don't want the urge to do something I would regret the rest of my life, knowing I screwed up a strong relationship with close connections. This whole situation makes me sick.
I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone. Not even the man who belongs to another. I feel as if I have betrayed my significant other, even though I never acted on my emotions. Until now, everything was great. We talked and told eachother everything. We shared stories, jokes, fond memories, thoughts we had, dreams...And his family loves me. They invite me to special occasions and we exchange gifts like family. I don't want my reputation to be shattered because I slip up and decide to leave. I don't want to lose the connections I've made with his family, because they treat me so well. It's hard to find a significant other with family that appreciates your presence. I feel loved. It doesn't get much better than this. Had I kept my secret inside, I would have felt worse. But to feel this way drives me crazy. I feel like I need a holy shower with the purest soap I can find. I want to wash this all away. I want to let my feelings for this other man go, because it would be better for both of us. He never told his fiance I exist, even though we've known eachother since age 15. That is the first red flag. Even if I was single and ran into his arms, would he love only me? I feel even more rotten because he said he can't say no to me, and that if I ever wanted to act on my feelings he wouldn't ob<x>ject. I always wanted to feel entwined with him, but that thought makes me want to crawl into a hole and cry. A long time friend of mine says he's baiting me. I would never do it, and if I found myself doing it I would never forgive myself. I don't want the urge to do something I would regret the rest of my life, knowing I screwed up a strong relationship with close connections. This whole situation makes me sick.
41-45, F