I Have a Confession

This situation that has been going on must be resolved. I am happy with my current life even though I am lonely, because I'm alone a lot. And I am happy with my relationship. Nothing should come between the bond we share. I am disgusted with myself for the storm of issues I have caused. I'm lucky to have a man in my life who appreciates my open, honest mind. The fact that I don't hide the main issue makes me a gem in just about anyone's eyes, depending on the way the decide to view the information or situation. I am fortunate to have a man who keeps calm and listens to my needs, wants, views, opinions and emotions. He doesn't have to agree, but the fact that he will take the time to hear me is great compared to other relationships, who will argue about everything. Given that information, I know what I need and want in life. I want someone who will listen to me, love me for who I am, and be patient with me. That is what he has been. He's not perfect, but who is? He's never done me harm, and he is wise with decisions. We made is from poor to stable. We struggled! The struggle brought us closer, and I knew he cared. He may be gone a lot, but I wouldn't want to start over at having only the money for rent and barely enough to survive. And I certainly wouldn't want to leave this life that was built up with loving hands to live a life which would lead to grief and sadness. If I ran into the arms of another of whom already has three children and plans on marrying the second mother...I would be out of my mind. I would be overwhelmed with his problems, and guilt and sadness would haunt my heart. A heart which was fought and given to who I am currently with. Being conflicted with feelings for someone I've known since age 15 is hurting myself and my relationship, because I am open and honest about the situation. It is against my character and morals to feel this strong about someone while with someone I've been with 7 years. The other person was out of my life for 8 years, so I often question why I feel this way. I always had feelings for him...I just recently figured out they never disolved. Shame has filled my conscience, because I know it's wrong, but I don't know how to get rid of the way I feel. I am naturally loyal, and will remain that way. I was programmed to be honest (part of it being I was raised catholic, so they drilled it into me), and stand by the side of my other half. But I feel corrupt with conflict when I shouldn't. Nostalgia comes to mind with this particular subject, and I can't help but be instantly transported into the past. It's a bad habit, and reminiscing is something I do all the time. It usually brings back fond memories, but I believe that's how I got into this situation to begin with. The fact that I got back in contact with that old friend and picked his brain while reminding him of stuff that happened (for the memoir I'm writing), is why the emotions resurfaced so strong. It lead to deep conversation after deep conversation, and confession after confession. There lies jealousy's ugly, ugly, ugliness which stirred between he and my significant other. Doubts about me then came into light. And now, here we are...I should not have seeked out my past. I guess this is just one of life's little lessons which comes to people who dive deep, who never got opportunities with those who got away, and are forever left wondering. It should be left alone, but I'm too deep in the water now.