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-- Anger, despite the fact that it can erupt like lightning, is [i]always[/i] a secondary emotion. The primary emotion beneath it can be fear, shame or pain. The pain can be either emotional or physical.
If you go below the surface of the anger inside yourself, you'll be able to discover the deeper and real feeling. Once you've recognised it, you're closer to understanding what you need. Which brings you closer to finding a solution.
-- Try to consider the issue from the other person's point of view.
What is their need?
What is yours?
Would there be a third possibility, something practical and acheivable, which would meet the needs of both people (or parties) equally well? (Tip, there usually is - if one thinks creatively.)
- Sometimes nothing needs to change or be fixed; the other person simply needs to be heard with empathy and understood.
-- When trying to communicate in order to resolve an issue, it's most effective if the angriest person speaks and is fully heard [i]first[/i]. Ensure that there's plenty of time in a private place with no outside interruptions. Turn off phones. Create an agreement for no interrupting. The only exception is if the listener doesn't understand something and needs to ask for clarification.
- Once the speaker has finished, the listener needs to reflect back, in their own words, what they heard the speaker say. The purpose is twofold. One to check that the listener has understood correctly - if not, the process continues back and forth until the speaker agrees that the listener has it correctly.
- At this point, the best thing is for the listener to offer empathy. For instance, "I get it that you're angry. You feel hurt and let down because I forgot our date. And now you're not sure if you can trust making agreements with me." Empathy is not sympathy or compassion. It is the ability to use one's own experience of emotions and one's ability to feel the emotional energy of the other person to recognise exactly what they're feeling. It's irrelevant why they feel it. It's the fact of the feelings that matters. Feeling heard and understood has a major effect in helping to soothe anger. It shows that you care as much about the other as yourself. It creates the possibility that they are now far more likely to be able and willing to hear your feelings, thoughts and needs.
-- Now the roles swap over. You become the speaker, and they listen with the same agreement about interruption. Once you're sure that they've understood your feelings, thoughts and needs,
you're now in a position to discuss possible solutions or strategies for resolving the issue. I can promise that trying to leap straight to answers rarely works. People's need to feel heard and understood is often (unconsciously) far greater than the issue itself.
-- Sometimes anger is disproportionate to the issue.
My husband gets angry and swears if he drops and breaks a glass jar of jam (jelly), sauce or somesuch. His rage has nothing to do with the splinters or mess. For him, what's been triggered is deep shame about being a clutz and unable to focus his awareness at need. As a toddler and throughout his life (77 years), his mother, teachers, friends and strangers have screamed abuse at him for "stupid" mistakes. It was only 3 years ago that his ADHD was diagnosed by tests and confirmed with a second set of tests. All those mistakes were never his fault. He was neurologically incapable. His consciousness flows at a slower rate and often flicks out erratically, like a light bulb going on the blink, which affects the six executive functions: attentional control, cognitive inhibition, inhibitory control, working memory, and cognitive flexibility. Imagine a lifetime like that. Even while very small, he developed overwhelming shame about his mistakes. So when one happens now, he does to himself what everyone else has since he was tiny. His anger erupts. Shame can be healthy when we acknowledge and accept that we made a mistake, fix and learn from it. He had trouble learning and often repeated the same mistakes countless times. Toxic shame is when we say "I am a mistake, clutz, idiot" or whatever other nasty judgement comes to mind. The worst thing about it is, if it's something "I [i]am[/i]" (rather than "I do") we think it's fixed - an inescapable lack. Yet there is so much that can been done to reduce the effects of ADHD once one has the diagnosis.
- So resolving disproportionate anger is possible if one goes back to its source in the unconscious, and heals the wound that give rise to it. This is not always easy, but with patience it's possible.
-- Meditation. There are many kinds. It does not require faith or religion. Experiment with all the different kinds and find the one that suits your personality best. Give each experiment at least a week. Eventually, meditation can heal all wounds, even the deepest and most unconscious, if one sticks at it everyday for at least an hour. It's not much if one considers the benefits of peace, happiness and better relationships that it brings.
-- Distraction. Doesn't cure anything - but it sure provides some temporary relief from the stress of resentments, anger and rage.
-- Vigorous exercise. Doesn't solve the problem, but it does burn up the adrenaline and save one's immune system and physical health. Stress is a major contributor to western diseases.
-- Forgiveness. Forgive the person whose behaviour triggers your anger.
-- Or find your own solutions independent of anything they might say or do.
Eg, leave or move out.
~
If you go below the surface of the anger inside yourself, you'll be able to discover the deeper and real feeling. Once you've recognised it, you're closer to understanding what you need. Which brings you closer to finding a solution.
-- Try to consider the issue from the other person's point of view.
What is their need?
What is yours?
Would there be a third possibility, something practical and acheivable, which would meet the needs of both people (or parties) equally well? (Tip, there usually is - if one thinks creatively.)
- Sometimes nothing needs to change or be fixed; the other person simply needs to be heard with empathy and understood.
-- When trying to communicate in order to resolve an issue, it's most effective if the angriest person speaks and is fully heard [i]first[/i]. Ensure that there's plenty of time in a private place with no outside interruptions. Turn off phones. Create an agreement for no interrupting. The only exception is if the listener doesn't understand something and needs to ask for clarification.
- Once the speaker has finished, the listener needs to reflect back, in their own words, what they heard the speaker say. The purpose is twofold. One to check that the listener has understood correctly - if not, the process continues back and forth until the speaker agrees that the listener has it correctly.
- At this point, the best thing is for the listener to offer empathy. For instance, "I get it that you're angry. You feel hurt and let down because I forgot our date. And now you're not sure if you can trust making agreements with me." Empathy is not sympathy or compassion. It is the ability to use one's own experience of emotions and one's ability to feel the emotional energy of the other person to recognise exactly what they're feeling. It's irrelevant why they feel it. It's the fact of the feelings that matters. Feeling heard and understood has a major effect in helping to soothe anger. It shows that you care as much about the other as yourself. It creates the possibility that they are now far more likely to be able and willing to hear your feelings, thoughts and needs.
-- Now the roles swap over. You become the speaker, and they listen with the same agreement about interruption. Once you're sure that they've understood your feelings, thoughts and needs,
you're now in a position to discuss possible solutions or strategies for resolving the issue. I can promise that trying to leap straight to answers rarely works. People's need to feel heard and understood is often (unconsciously) far greater than the issue itself.
-- Sometimes anger is disproportionate to the issue.
My husband gets angry and swears if he drops and breaks a glass jar of jam (jelly), sauce or somesuch. His rage has nothing to do with the splinters or mess. For him, what's been triggered is deep shame about being a clutz and unable to focus his awareness at need. As a toddler and throughout his life (77 years), his mother, teachers, friends and strangers have screamed abuse at him for "stupid" mistakes. It was only 3 years ago that his ADHD was diagnosed by tests and confirmed with a second set of tests. All those mistakes were never his fault. He was neurologically incapable. His consciousness flows at a slower rate and often flicks out erratically, like a light bulb going on the blink, which affects the six executive functions: attentional control, cognitive inhibition, inhibitory control, working memory, and cognitive flexibility. Imagine a lifetime like that. Even while very small, he developed overwhelming shame about his mistakes. So when one happens now, he does to himself what everyone else has since he was tiny. His anger erupts. Shame can be healthy when we acknowledge and accept that we made a mistake, fix and learn from it. He had trouble learning and often repeated the same mistakes countless times. Toxic shame is when we say "I am a mistake, clutz, idiot" or whatever other nasty judgement comes to mind. The worst thing about it is, if it's something "I [i]am[/i]" (rather than "I do") we think it's fixed - an inescapable lack. Yet there is so much that can been done to reduce the effects of ADHD once one has the diagnosis.
- So resolving disproportionate anger is possible if one goes back to its source in the unconscious, and heals the wound that give rise to it. This is not always easy, but with patience it's possible.
-- Meditation. There are many kinds. It does not require faith or religion. Experiment with all the different kinds and find the one that suits your personality best. Give each experiment at least a week. Eventually, meditation can heal all wounds, even the deepest and most unconscious, if one sticks at it everyday for at least an hour. It's not much if one considers the benefits of peace, happiness and better relationships that it brings.
-- Distraction. Doesn't cure anything - but it sure provides some temporary relief from the stress of resentments, anger and rage.
-- Vigorous exercise. Doesn't solve the problem, but it does burn up the adrenaline and save one's immune system and physical health. Stress is a major contributor to western diseases.
-- Forgiveness. Forgive the person whose behaviour triggers your anger.
-- Or find your own solutions independent of anything they might say or do.
Eg, leave or move out.
~