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hartfire · 61-69
Sit down at a but of a distance and listen.
Underneath anger is one of three emotions, hurt, fear or shame.
Try to notice which one, or which combination it is.
Acknowledge it - without any arguments, just acknowledge her feelings.
At this point she may start to calm somewhat;
if not, ask for time out, and for a time to come back and discuss it after she (or both of you)have calmed down.
When you come back to talk, the rule is no one interrupts or replies until the other has completely finished speaking.
The angriest needs to be the first to speak and be heard.
Ask her:
what she observed (the bare facts),
how she interpreted it (what she thought about it/ what it means to her)
and how it affects her (practical/ relational, etc).
~ Once that's been talked through, give her feedback in the form of empathy; demonstrate that you have accurately heard what she said and understood. Accept that her feelings about it are real. Acknowledge those feelings (emotions). If someone says, "I feel that..." what follows is a thought, not an emotion. For the vast majority of people, what matters most is the emotion - and that's what needs to be acknowledged. Sometimes that difficult, especially if they've been criticising or complaining about you or something you've done. Our egos can get in the way. In resolving arguments, we need to try our best to put them aside and just listen with love.
Now, if you have a relevant thing to share, such as how the same thing is for you,
now's your time to ask if she's willing to hear your side of it: what you observed, thought & felt.
Then ask her to show she's heard and understood what's been real for you.
Finally, if there's a problem that requires a solution, it's time to discuss strategy and find an agreement.
It can start with each making a request.
A request accepts that the answer might be no. So it helps if the requester has a backup plan B that lets them solve the issue independently.
If a person gets upset when they hear a no, that means it's a demand. Demands don't work; they always have a hidden and unpleasant cost.
In order to work it must be:
achievable,
concrete and specific,
and have a time slot or time limit.
If there's too much to remember, take notes.
For instance, "I need you to love me" is non-specific and therefore unachievable.
Everyone's idea of what makes them feel loved is different.
But, "I wish we could go for a walk together every afternoon," or, "I would love it if we could have half an hour most days to catch up with each other's news and concerns, and I'd love to have one day a week doing something nice just with you," is specific, timely and doable.
In some cases, the strategy might need some creativity.
If it's a compromise it probably will end up creating discontent.
It needs to be something that works equally well for both people.
Underneath anger is one of three emotions, hurt, fear or shame.
Try to notice which one, or which combination it is.
Acknowledge it - without any arguments, just acknowledge her feelings.
At this point she may start to calm somewhat;
if not, ask for time out, and for a time to come back and discuss it after she (or both of you)have calmed down.
When you come back to talk, the rule is no one interrupts or replies until the other has completely finished speaking.
The angriest needs to be the first to speak and be heard.
Ask her:
what she observed (the bare facts),
how she interpreted it (what she thought about it/ what it means to her)
and how it affects her (practical/ relational, etc).
~ Once that's been talked through, give her feedback in the form of empathy; demonstrate that you have accurately heard what she said and understood. Accept that her feelings about it are real. Acknowledge those feelings (emotions). If someone says, "I feel that..." what follows is a thought, not an emotion. For the vast majority of people, what matters most is the emotion - and that's what needs to be acknowledged. Sometimes that difficult, especially if they've been criticising or complaining about you or something you've done. Our egos can get in the way. In resolving arguments, we need to try our best to put them aside and just listen with love.
Now, if you have a relevant thing to share, such as how the same thing is for you,
now's your time to ask if she's willing to hear your side of it: what you observed, thought & felt.
Then ask her to show she's heard and understood what's been real for you.
Finally, if there's a problem that requires a solution, it's time to discuss strategy and find an agreement.
It can start with each making a request.
A request accepts that the answer might be no. So it helps if the requester has a backup plan B that lets them solve the issue independently.
If a person gets upset when they hear a no, that means it's a demand. Demands don't work; they always have a hidden and unpleasant cost.
In order to work it must be:
achievable,
concrete and specific,
and have a time slot or time limit.
If there's too much to remember, take notes.
For instance, "I need you to love me" is non-specific and therefore unachievable.
Everyone's idea of what makes them feel loved is different.
But, "I wish we could go for a walk together every afternoon," or, "I would love it if we could have half an hour most days to catch up with each other's news and concerns, and I'd love to have one day a week doing something nice just with you," is specific, timely and doable.
In some cases, the strategy might need some creativity.
If it's a compromise it probably will end up creating discontent.
It needs to be something that works equally well for both people.