What I’m going through lately.

Lately I’ve been feeling really inadequate and down on myself. Memories of my failures, mistakes, and the person I was in the past keep coming back and making me question my worth as a man. I’ve been stuck in a deep slump, and unfortunately those feelings have also been bringing back memories of drugs and alcohol.

The cravings for crack have been especially strong. I’ve actually found myself watching videos online of people smoking crack and wishing I was doing it too. I know exactly where that road leads for me, though. If I ever go back to crack, I’m afraid I won’t stop until it kills me.

I’m realizing that sometimes the hardest battle isn’t fighting the drug itself—it’s fighting the shame, loneliness, regret, and self-hatred that make me want to escape into it. I’ve made mistakes and lost a lot, but those mistakes don’t have to define the rest of my life.

Right now I’m trying to remind myself that I don’t need to fix my entire life tonight. I just need to make it through today without destroying the life I still have. I’m hurting, I’m struggling, and I’m far from where I want to be—but I’m still here, and I’m still fighting.