Questioning myself

Sorry to hear of your loss. It can be difficult to engage and meet new folks. I too am one that doesn't usually engage in conversation but rather I sit back and listen...waiting for others to engage.

My personal feeling is that you need to find ways to get out and do things you personally enjoy. Maybe joining a club or some other group that actively does things you enjoy. It could be reading a book, bird watching, or hosts of other things. This will help you meet others who enjoy the same things and expand your circle. Plus, for me, seeing someone enjoying themselves brings a positive/attractive vibe that draws me to them. It will be easier to meet and converse with others and hopefully will open doors to more permanent and longer connections.

The day you moved out of your mother's house is the day that your adult life began.

What you took with you when you left however, was your behavioral traits that helped you to survive while in your mother's house, but were of no relevance to your new life as an adult living outside your mother's house.

What this means is, you are using an old skillset that applied to an old life but which you are still using on a new life, a tactic which simply does not work in the real world.

It's like trying to modify an old analog clock using digital technology to make it work, but because both clocks work inherently differently from each other, the old clock cannot be easily integrated to new technology with any degree of success.

The way you use to think, act and behave around strangers... including your mother, was a self-defense mechanism that you learned through necessity.

That necessity however, was born from your old life in your mom's home, not in your new life in your own home.

Therefore, you are trying to make old survival methods work in circumstances which require no survival from!... something like continuing to wear a parachute when your new life no longer takes you on journeys inside an airplane that you can easily jump from if necessary.

Why then are you still wearing a parachute if you never get into an airplane anymore?

The reason you are not meeting people today is because you are unconsciously 'repelling' people from your space, no different than you did during childhood.

If you didn't want someone to come near you back then, you would put out an 'energy' that told everyone to stay away!... or conversely, if you want someone to come near you today, you must put out the opposite 'energy' and they will approach you as you so desire.

What I'm trying to point out to you is that you're still using the 'repel' mode of your energy gun, not the 'attract' mode... which is why you are not meeting new people who can become a part of your life today.

People ask me, "Why is someone like you still single?"

Me: "Hang on tight. This is where the magic begins."

Very likely it's how you were raised. Yet don't attribute it to just that.

I had all the freedom any kid could want, being a single and very last latchkey kid. Yet I'm still not very social. Please understand that my siblings have kids older than me.

A lot of it has to do with the society itself. You're either acceptable to society or not.

If you're not, you're simply chased away.

Not saying this is the only case either.
I feel for those who are homeless. It's not just how they were raised. There's multiple reasons in why that even happens.

Have you had a conversation with a therapist about your story of origin?

do you think because your mother was overbearing and controlling overlord type you became overly submissive by default? and not independent and free personality wise?

Lao Tzu: "With every breath change is possible"
God doesn't do things for you. You must do them for yourself.

You are welcome. I hope it helps to vent. So sorry about your loss; was your spouse as young? That really made it worse. I hope you have a support system, friends, family and professional. You shouldn't handle this alone.