I'm too sexy to be this alone tbh

No guy friends no girl friends just me and I shouldn't even be alone it's weird. I don't belong here I never felt that I did. And by here I mean my physical place. I'm just as alone as I was 20 years ago it's always been like that. I'm not saying I have no one but I really can't find anyone I know to do anything with me all the time, everyone is either doing something else or not available it's like a curse and each single year I lose some of my strength so being alone is getting dangerous I guess that's the word?

Being alone can be nice occasionally and I always been a loner but it's not fun with chronic illness, there's things I need humans to be able to do and I'm not afraid to admit that anymore it's how it is.

I want to try the caregiver thing but everytime I'm about to try it I feel that I can use the money to get something for home like pay a bill or pay for groceries to help family or buy something for someone in family etc. Plus a part of me thinks I don't fully deserve it and at the same time I feel sad that I'm so alone to the point I need to pay someone to be with me.. maybe with some encouragement I can do it but then I'll still be alone afterwards I'm conflicted and I feel that I have failed to have a semi normal social life it feels impossible I can't even find group therapies or things to do with people like me in this stupid city I'm stuck in.