All I want to say is...
I understand why no one actually likes me. I'm frozen in pain. I'm not great company. I'm tired, burnt out, trying my best but it's not enough. I'm focused on survival. It's been many years of loss and healing.
All undesirable, repulsive stuff to the average person who wants to maintain a positive worldview.
So I get it.
Why bother, when people have their own life to get through.
I figured out it's simply my lack of love/family/community. I don't have anyone. I broke it off with a guy who was hurting me and since then it's been a lot of nothing. I'm just lonely and alone. It's not my fault, but that still doesn't mean anyone has to care.
Thinking it's just time to put a full stop on existing as a whole person in public. Nobody does that, nobody wants that and it's probably just me being autistic. I can't mask for the fuckers anymore.
Yesterday my family said some pretty hurtful things to me. About me, my son and my dead mother.
Most of my dealings in my real life are negative. So that is the frame I'm stuck in. For now. This is not the end of my story. This is not all that I am.
I guess I always dreamed of the ride or die person I am capable of being, finding me too. Getting through life, having each other's backs. But I don't even know if that exists. I've no idea what it would look like or if it's just a delusion. I lost those people. They died. So it has affected me, much to the distaste of others.
I never quit. I never give up. But I think it's time to let go of people and situations that aren't with me at least a little bit. Because I understand people are stretched too thin. I feel it, probably most people feel it.
So it's time to stop taking it personally. People not caring scares me. Because I am in a dire place. Because I do care. And I worry, if I don't make it, will society shit all over my kid like they shit all over me, like they excuse bombing schools?
I worry. I care. And for that, I am alone with stress that no one can even comprehend. No one wants to touch.
I've sought inside and out for a solution and have found, there isn't one. There is only doing what makes me uncomfortable, what goes against my beliefs or eff off.
So I think I'll take the eff off option. I don't know what that means for my son and I yet, but as always, I'll figure it out alone. It's gonna be janky and probably affect my son negatively, but I don't know what else to do. I'm unlovable, unlikable, unacceptable and easy to ignore. Poor kid is stuck with me.
I'll do my best, knowing it's not enough. Knowing one day I'll probably end up a corpse, that someone will finally have to deal with 🖤
All undesirable, repulsive stuff to the average person who wants to maintain a positive worldview.
So I get it.
Why bother, when people have their own life to get through.
I figured out it's simply my lack of love/family/community. I don't have anyone. I broke it off with a guy who was hurting me and since then it's been a lot of nothing. I'm just lonely and alone. It's not my fault, but that still doesn't mean anyone has to care.
Thinking it's just time to put a full stop on existing as a whole person in public. Nobody does that, nobody wants that and it's probably just me being autistic. I can't mask for the fuckers anymore.
Yesterday my family said some pretty hurtful things to me. About me, my son and my dead mother.
Most of my dealings in my real life are negative. So that is the frame I'm stuck in. For now. This is not the end of my story. This is not all that I am.
I guess I always dreamed of the ride or die person I am capable of being, finding me too. Getting through life, having each other's backs. But I don't even know if that exists. I've no idea what it would look like or if it's just a delusion. I lost those people. They died. So it has affected me, much to the distaste of others.
I never quit. I never give up. But I think it's time to let go of people and situations that aren't with me at least a little bit. Because I understand people are stretched too thin. I feel it, probably most people feel it.
So it's time to stop taking it personally. People not caring scares me. Because I am in a dire place. Because I do care. And I worry, if I don't make it, will society shit all over my kid like they shit all over me, like they excuse bombing schools?
I worry. I care. And for that, I am alone with stress that no one can even comprehend. No one wants to touch.
I've sought inside and out for a solution and have found, there isn't one. There is only doing what makes me uncomfortable, what goes against my beliefs or eff off.
So I think I'll take the eff off option. I don't know what that means for my son and I yet, but as always, I'll figure it out alone. It's gonna be janky and probably affect my son negatively, but I don't know what else to do. I'm unlovable, unlikable, unacceptable and easy to ignore. Poor kid is stuck with me.
I'll do my best, knowing it's not enough. Knowing one day I'll probably end up a corpse, that someone will finally have to deal with 🖤
41-45, F
