I have been trapped in a negative spiral for years.

@soulrespite I definitely didn't want to be constant negativity, I just got completely blindsided. Bad things happened and I tried to continue being hopeful and I was crushed over and over and over. For years it was relentless, for years I tried to look to the light within, while people treated me like a dark cloud. I went through about six years of an abusive relationship also, that I didn't even come out about until the end of it.

I let it out and I'm actually glad I did. Because I was alone, people died, my family made it so much worse and I needed to feel real. I needed to feel like I still existed.

I don't think at any point I felt like a victim, I knew I deserved better and was capable of more, I was pissed. I was angry and still kinda am, but that anger needs to transmute into something not self destructive or destructive to others. That's not who I want to be.

What really changed things has been watching my senior grow bitter. Almost a century of life, tons of money, all the love a person could have, and she's angry. I saw myself in that. For what I lost, I still had for awhile and I can't forget that.

Luckily I'm not a drinker and I'll never feel bad about smoking pot. MJ was all I had for awhile and I feel like the plants let us know when we need them and when we don't.

I'm just so tired of being angry. And I've spent so much time trying to make sense of what the last ten years turned into that I forgot so much of it just doesn't matter. I have to move on. I have to do it alone and that's that. I wish I could of come to that conclusion years ago, but I also regret nothing. I learned a lot about myself and humanity in that time too. So much that I'll never face the world like I used to. I might miss that naive, hopeful little fox that danced through life on kindness. But I needed to grow out of the shroud I used to be likeable and simply be myself.

I can honestly say that other people's struggles don't affect me deeply. I feel empathy, I have time to show up and encourage people that showed up for me. That's just the level I'm on right now. It's different for everyone, it fluctuates, I have noticed that. It's very fluid now, and makes sense. I found balance and didn't even realize it until I started a grand reopening of my soul. Without the big fear of losing people.

It's mostly about acceptance for me. Clearing away hope and building a strong foundation on experience.

One thing is for sure, I don't want to spread my pain around like I used to. I have been toxic. I wanted someone to care. I wanted to matter in a way I could get a break from the pain. It's not just emotional, it's the physical damage (fibromyalgia, cancer) that manifested from this deep hurt and disappointment.

Nobody really sees me, I know that, I accept that now. And what I come into next, will be for the better of my son and I.

That is the way 🖤

Yeah, it sounds like you realized no one is coming to save you. I actually really relate to you a lot. And I never lost my mother through death, but I lost her in trust and honestly I am not sure which is worse.

Reality is super subjective and only you see the wounds you carry.. But everyone actually has wounds too. Everyone. Some people just do it in silence and that’s not any better than letting it out because it actually has nowhere to go.

You metabolize outward, not everyone is comfortable to be seen like that. I am glad you did that for yourself. And I know you have had your cancer, I know you lost your family members. You have fought hard and still do. I see your path little fox. It’s been a very winding road for you. You are not invisible, at all.

Anyway, you don’t owe me any explanation. I was just sharing no one is deeper or more wounded than anyone else, some are just better at expressing their pain than others. And honestly, that’s actually a really useful skill we all need to learn. @ScreamingFox

@soulrespite I understand people keeping it in also. I think it's a personal balance. I'm not happy with myself for the way it affected others, just because it came from a place of anger in me. I low-key knew I was pushing people away even when that's the last thing I wanted or needed.

We all definitely have wounds. I try to always consider that, even when I truly want to be there for someone, we have to get through it our own way. I respect that, but maybe for awhile I just didn't. It was idealistic of me, but the wrong way.

Thank you for still talking to me. Cuz look I understand I've been a lot lol

@chernobylplaygr0unds the repetition of hurt is gonna destroy me if I don't. I have to let it all go and move on 🖤

@ScreamingFox It's time to stop carrying the weight and put it down

@Boeing I have to grow now. I cannot stay in the shadows of fear, I know better. This will be a process, I will have to go slow, but I love slow lol

@ScreamingFox ya me too, I love slow, but I have learnt to also allow Godspeed, so trust in divine rhythm, slow or fast... I am happy for you, really. I am doing a little celebration inside, no stars and fireworks but a gentle knowing, how you have finished your processing and it is now slowly time to unfurl and blossom. 🌸 I love this for you.

I think there is somethings similar for me too, there has been some transformational era, but I need to find a space to rest myself and integrate. Will do asap.

Love to you, it was good to meet you even if briefly 💜✨ will catch up soon... 🌅