I upset a friend because I argued with them that I'm a burden to society.
I just don't know. I could go to work tomorrow and the world is still better off without me.
I remember asking my doctor for help applying for government assistance. She looked extremely concerned and told me that's like giving up.
That's how people see life here. You have to contribute in a way that generates capital or else you're nonfunctional as a human being. Everything is numbers and status. I've tried getting involved in all that, many times. I failed each one. I reach a peak in my stress tolerance and just self destruct, one way or another. I end up taking more than I put out.
I've stopped trying to meet people. I know they'll just judge me based on my lack of accolades. I feel like a leech in a culture that measures people by productivity. I've internalized the idea that, from their point of view, I don't deserve respect, I don't deserve time nor interaction.
Then there are those like this sweet friend of mine who seem to care about people just because they're people. There are no requirements beyond that. It's beautiful. A counterexample to a value system that hurts human beings. A way of treating them that matters. And I do my best to reflect it. There are no deficits there. I care. I have compassion. And I won't stop helping others in my limited ways. That is something I won't give up on.
But career drive, material / real leverage, these are things I lack.
And these people like my friend who help me forget about my lackingness — they're so far away, across the world.
Time moves so fast now.
I remember when I was a child and all that was expected of me was to exist. My family were all home. People weren't always nice but somehow I was still mostly okay. I wasn't plagued by feeling like I'm not enough.
I just was.
I miss it.
I dream of it each night.
I wake up and I feel ashamed and guilty just for existing. I feel that way now.
I remember asking my doctor for help applying for government assistance. She looked extremely concerned and told me that's like giving up.
That's how people see life here. You have to contribute in a way that generates capital or else you're nonfunctional as a human being. Everything is numbers and status. I've tried getting involved in all that, many times. I failed each one. I reach a peak in my stress tolerance and just self destruct, one way or another. I end up taking more than I put out.
I've stopped trying to meet people. I know they'll just judge me based on my lack of accolades. I feel like a leech in a culture that measures people by productivity. I've internalized the idea that, from their point of view, I don't deserve respect, I don't deserve time nor interaction.
Then there are those like this sweet friend of mine who seem to care about people just because they're people. There are no requirements beyond that. It's beautiful. A counterexample to a value system that hurts human beings. A way of treating them that matters. And I do my best to reflect it. There are no deficits there. I care. I have compassion. And I won't stop helping others in my limited ways. That is something I won't give up on.
But career drive, material / real leverage, these are things I lack.
And these people like my friend who help me forget about my lackingness — they're so far away, across the world.
Time moves so fast now.
I remember when I was a child and all that was expected of me was to exist. My family were all home. People weren't always nice but somehow I was still mostly okay. I wasn't plagued by feeling like I'm not enough.
I just was.
I miss it.
I dream of it each night.
I wake up and I feel ashamed and guilty just for existing. I feel that way now.
