Last time kids were over, I lost my temper at someone (adult) doing something wrong.

And the kids saw and heard the hurtful things I was saying to him.

I felt so guilty they saw me being that mean and scary, and I worried it will always stay carved in their memories.

You can never tell what will leave a too lasting negative effect. I did explain to them that even my reaction was wrong. That people shouldn't be as aggressive as that. And we should show more compassion even towards those who wrong us, especially when we have more power than they do.

Yesterday, my nephew repeated the things I said about compassion while we were watching a movie. That was a relief.

I hope I never leave any of my darkness in their minds.

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SinlessOnslaught · M

Hey, you did the right thing. You gave them an opportunity to witness an adult make a mistake, and admit it. I do believe that your nephew repeating your words is a good thing.

You made a mistake like we all do, but you corrected it in a very profound way and I believe this experience is a reflection of your character. The children will recognize that in time.

Miram · 31-35, F

@SinlessOnslaught

Compared to years ago, my switch off button is managed better, but it is nowhere near the healthy range in certain situations.

I go from incredibly nice and loving to dangerous in a matter of seconds. It is not always about angry words, detachement also, and kids can sense the coldness in my core. I cannot even look in their eyes when it happens. Because I don't want them to see that part of me.

Even grown ups have found that sudden detachment incredibly scary. And I don't blame them. It scares me too after the fact. And I can't always switch my ability to empathize on. It is just gone and I have to wait for it to comeback.

It is complicated because it is not just PTSD related. Stress in my work probably leads and contributes to my episodes.

SinlessOnslaught · M

@Miram Your struggle is complex but I'm dedicated to understanding it.

Nonetheless, be kind to yourself and remember this alone was a normal, human reaction and you handled it well. Even if there are other problems, just focus on that for a bit, for your inner peace. You need it.