I sometimes still think about my first boyfriend and how he indicated that one day he and I would not be together

I thought we'd be together forever. But I think there is something quite unattractive in me... which is my doubt of myself.

How could I expect him to value me when I do not value myself.

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For a lot of reasons I needed to leave where I was (British Columbia), and I am not sad I did it.

But I did come to Ontario for him. We lived together for many years, and in the dark, laying in bed together, it hurt so much when he told me he'd probably have to go somewhere else for work.

I said, "I will come with you."

He said, "...You don't have to. I will have to move away."

He did go on to cheat on me, and he didn't come to my graduation show.

He went on to be good to some other woman, and did things to help her grow as he didn't with me.

She left him, and he came back to beg for me to be with him. But obviously I was too hurt by then.

It's been years and now I am realizing why he didn't stay with me, or want to be with me.

(I don't want to be with him, to be clear. But I loved him and would have stayed the course).