I think I don't deserve to love or to be loved because of who I am

So I shall again take a step back and wait.
I'll tell you what my crazy thought has been this time.
To begin my journey back home.
But, too only go by land and take long pauses. So long that perhaps I'll change my mind on the way.
But I'd need to leave my load. I can't travel that heavy, even if I only have a backpack, is about 10kg.
Maybe I'll change my mind, but it was an idea.
Maybe it'd be better if I'd go to Bali. Or the US. Anywhere it'd be okay.
I'm in a strange mood. I'm talking to you but I feel as if I grew a great distance within a couple of days. Really great. That is. Some strange independence.
As I decided that I'm going to be on my own.
I understand what I mean when I say that nothing really cares. People do care.
But I've none close enough to overcome my defences.
I'm choosing it. But also not.
I can't even recognise or understand much what has happened. I have a few clues.
Well, I'm okay I guess.