I want to destroy my life (again) (part 2)
Narcissistic personality disorder demands adoration and recognition, etc. it has more intense emotional “needs”.
someone a narcissist targets to get that is called a supply. Typically a romantic partner. I keep catching my mind ‘hunting’ for a new supply because I know my wife is not easy to manipulate/lie to. She won’t “bow down” to the toxicity in me and good for her. It makes her strong.
But My mind is looking for someone that’s easily Manipulated so I can use them to fulfill these emotional “needs” that my brain is convinced I have. I find myself asking people questions aimed to figure out how easy they are to influence/do what they’re told. I’m doing this to find easy sex and emotional cheating. It’s disgusting.
My brain thinks since My wife has strong boundaries and has good self respect, that I need someone else in my life that has poor boundaries and no self respect. Some deep dark heavy stuff. This is the sin that brought me to Christ many years ago and we’re here goin through it again.
The split personality adds another layer to the whole thing too, because one split wants to follow Christ and be Christlike and a good husband and father, but the other split literally doesn’t care about anyone but me and what my flesh desires. I have the ability to be 100% selfless because of the Holy Spirit, but 100% self absorbed because of my disorders/flesh/sin
It’s wild. I’m grateful that I’m self aware enough that it gives me a fighting chance to protect my family.
And it’s not so much that I think I’m going to follow through and have an affair, but Jesus teaches adultery in the heart is adultery in the flesh
It’s the fact that the thoughts are even there that is burdensome
What have I allowed in my life where this thinking took root
someone a narcissist targets to get that is called a supply. Typically a romantic partner. I keep catching my mind ‘hunting’ for a new supply because I know my wife is not easy to manipulate/lie to. She won’t “bow down” to the toxicity in me and good for her. It makes her strong.
But My mind is looking for someone that’s easily Manipulated so I can use them to fulfill these emotional “needs” that my brain is convinced I have. I find myself asking people questions aimed to figure out how easy they are to influence/do what they’re told. I’m doing this to find easy sex and emotional cheating. It’s disgusting.
My brain thinks since My wife has strong boundaries and has good self respect, that I need someone else in my life that has poor boundaries and no self respect. Some deep dark heavy stuff. This is the sin that brought me to Christ many years ago and we’re here goin through it again.
The split personality adds another layer to the whole thing too, because one split wants to follow Christ and be Christlike and a good husband and father, but the other split literally doesn’t care about anyone but me and what my flesh desires. I have the ability to be 100% selfless because of the Holy Spirit, but 100% self absorbed because of my disorders/flesh/sin
It’s wild. I’m grateful that I’m self aware enough that it gives me a fighting chance to protect my family.
And it’s not so much that I think I’m going to follow through and have an affair, but Jesus teaches adultery in the heart is adultery in the flesh
It’s the fact that the thoughts are even there that is burdensome
What have I allowed in my life where this thinking took root
100+, M
