Struggles & Identity

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Do women in "abusive relationships" have themselves to blame?

Thats inspired by this recent news https://www.vibe.com/news/entertainment/dj-akademiks-donald-trump-jr-diddy-kim-porter-1234871438/

i mean thats like being in the same room with a shooter and u just dont leave, its like u asking for it

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Mamapolo2016 · F

Let me try to break it down for you.

#1 - it’s not ALWAYS constant. There may be pauses between abuse sessions - months or even years.

#2 - our lives are not ONLY spent with a spouse. There are children, extended families, friends. Often when a victim of abuse leaves, some or all of those ties are severed. It can get lonesome out there.

#3 - The most dangerous time in abusive relationships is when the victim leaves. That’s when most of the murders happen.

#4 - protective orders are useless with many abusers. They are controlling and a piece of paper, court or no court, will not stop them. I think it’s a little better now, but a couple of decades ago the police weren’t much interested in ‘meddling in a marriage.

#5 - Abuse victims listen to a lot of abusive language, unfair accusations. Before long, the victim believes it.

#6 - If there are children, it means that except in the most egregious cases, the parents will be required to be connected - at least until the kids are grown and gone. If one parent is violent, that’s a long fearful time.

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Manneeds

@Mamapolo2016 you are right on all this its very sad its alliwed to happen and keep happening

Mamapolo2016 · F

@Manneeds Yes. It’s very sad.

OlderSometimesWiser · F

@Mamapolo2016 Such valuable information and so very well said.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@OlderSometimesWiser Information one wishes never to acquire.

EPreject · 36-40, F

@Mamapolo2016 yaaaasss you nailed it!! 👏

Heartlander · 80-89, M

@Mamapolo2016 re #3, years ago we had the privilege of a visit and tour a shelter and that point was impressive. The location itself was secret and we met the director at a different location and escorted to the shelter. Also established procedures for police patrolling the neighborhood and for responding to emergency calls. Leaving a relationship with an abusive person is a risky step.

LilPrincess · 41-45, F

@Mamapolo2016 learned all this through my own experience. Well said

Mamapolo2016 · F

@LilPrincess There is no available emoji to express my empathy for you, or my joy in your escape. You are a warrior!

LilPrincess · 41-45, F

@Mamapolo2016 thank ya for that🤗

Mamapolo2016 · F

@LilPrincess Ah. you are welcome.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@Heartlander My late (wonderful) husband was a long time supporter of the local domestic violence shelter, and I got conscripted to serve on the board as well. It was an eye-opener.

ninalanyon · 61-69, T

@Mamapolo2016 #1 is important. Life with an abusive partner can have its highs as well as lows. My mother's boyfriend was great to be with in the good times, cultured, considerate, and apparently loving; he was easy to like when he was sober and on your side.

So it can happen that there is tension between leaving the abusive part of the relationship and losing the good parts too. This is especially important if the victim has few other friends.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@ninalanyon You are so right. Thank you for adding that.

WillaKissing · 56-60

@Mamapolo2016 Well stated.

Kstrong · 56-60, F

@Mamapolo2016 agreed, abuse isn't always physical, it's putting down, "can't you do better...", the ignoring.... It's mental and emotional too ...

Mamapolo2016 · F

@Kstrong Yes. And in the end, it’s more destructive.

Kstrong · 56-60, F

@Mamapolo2016 never laid a hand on me, but it's the self doubt, wondering if this will set him off, the abusers mental instability....

Mamapolo2016 · F

@Kstrong One of the scariest parts. The flip of the trigger. Constantly on the edge of a knife.

WillaKissing · 56-60

@Kstrong That is what I went through from my ex-wife, and I shared that here.

WillaKissing · 56-60

@Mamapolo2016 Absolutely so!

WillaKissing · 56-60

@Kstrong Exactly. Like living your life as if you were walking on eggshells wondering what person you would be facing Doctor Jeckel or Mrs. Hyde for me.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@WillaKissing I am glad you spoke up. I was careful not to use “him” or “her.”

Abusers are abusers, regardless of gender or orientation.

And misery is misery.

WillaKissing · 56-60

@Mamapolo2016 Yes, mine was a little petit woman that was terrible, and I mean absolutely terrible.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@WillaKissing The fear of striking a spark near a vat of gasoline. Every moment.

Kstrong · 56-60, F

@WillaKissing you get used to walking on eggshells. It's not until someone points out, that is not normal, thinking of you're ready to make the change

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