I am a shell of who I'd love to be.

This point resonates so much: I'm a shell of who I'd love(d) to be. However, the judgement and vitriol which surrounds my autism, which is a social condition often described by autistics as "a disability where others change the meaning of what you've said, only it's your fault" means that almost every aspect of my life is affected.

In the comment I made elsewhere in this thread, I responded to a shared quote which feels like it reeks of toxic positivity on multiple levels:

"You have the ability to be who you want" - no, not everyone does. Before my diagnosis, I got poor results at school not because of my pretty decent coursework grades, but because I wasn't popular. The same pattern has continued through youth and into employment: "he's actually really good at the job, but.....".

Further on in that quote in this thread, "you can talk or you can create change" - hell, I triple-analyse EVERY TINY social situation before doing what feels right, spend AGES chewing over dilemmas with friends, but my autism means I'm unable to keep up with the dynamic of unwritten, ever-changing social rules, and in our Neurotypical dominated society people are more focussed on the *way* that something is presented than the actual content, so again I'll fall.

"choose wisely" - again, toxic positivity - with strong hints of an unwritten inference that if it goes wrong then it must in all circumstances be your fault, that you're *not* wise.

With toxic positivity there's usually an unwritten inference that if you don't meet the initial statement, then clearly you didn't try hard enough. It's your fault. Hence my comment in response to these offerings, using the analogy of an already privileged award winner making the point of claiming all the credit - despite that life sometimes serves you the cake, whilst others may only get crusts of stale bread.

For years I battled my own instincts trying to achieve things which kept blowing up in my face before accepting where I stood in life. I left my busy job in the city, sold up and got a quiet place in the country. Much better for my wellbeing.

So if it's not clear, the point I'm trying to make is... Sometimes it's healthy to reassess those ideals. Are they really worth all the trouble, are they really what you actually want? I no longer yearn for a fast car or a big house, I'm genuinely happy with what I have. I no longer get party invites and I'm totally happy with that - parties are full of danger for me as an autistic, just look at the character assassination elsewhere in this thread: Someone who's never met me saying I'm despicable, whilst at the same time saying I'm hate-filled, whilst at the same time refusing to hear any explanation : they've made up their mind, there's no going back, and they're hurling stones.

There's a very fine line between working through trauma (yes I've had years of therapy, to reference another incorrect remark made in this thread) and simply accepting who you are, and more importantly, what's not comfortable any more.

For years I blamed myself for not achieving simple things that others took for granted, things that society tells us we should achieve. But no. Those values try to tell me I'm lazy, useless, weak. But if you're being judged as a stripy horse rather than as a zebra, you're gonna feel shit - and there's plenty of folk out there only too keen to mock.

Hope this offers at least, some alternative perspective.

You have the ability to be whoever you want. Poditively. Negatively. Life is full of choices. You can talk or create change. Choose wisely.

Me too

"Who cares?" Be your real self. [i]Now[/i] is the perfect moment to start something you've always wanted from the inside out! 🌞

May you value yourself enough to never stop singing. 💕