God please help me.

I spend my whole life just drinking my pain away. I don't keep up with basic chores. My home is a mess. I'm not taking essential medications. I don't keep up with work. I'm gaining weight. I just don't know how to be an adult and do basic stuff. I always thought I was gonna do great things like be a musician or a pilot or a body builder but I can't even just show up to work.

And now my family are leaving me. My grandpa died. My uncle died. My dad might have cancer now. My mom is next. I spent so many years demonizing them and pushing them away and I can't get those years back. And I feel like it's already too late. Things will never be the same again.

And my health is fading, too. I might have short term memory loss from so much drinking. My IBS and GERD are getting worse. I have sleep apnea and I can't wake up to see a doctor or therapist about any of this.

I'm just so childish and disorganized. I ruined my health and my relationship with my parents and my career life. I can't keep up with expectations.