The usual nonsense

I’m see someone remarried. I remember one of those get-to-know-me things where she talked about her family years ago. And I remember when her husband of many years died. I was touched by how she spoke of him. I think often to myself with no small sense of guilt how I could not describe my husband as a great anything, so when I hear someone who can sincerely speak of all the things they have deeply loved, admired, cherished, and respected, it hits me with a sort of somber warmth, both sad reminder of what I never managed to find or be worthy of (however it works) and sweet joy over proof of its existence. Now, just a few years later, she has married again. I was surprised really. I realized I had thought the end of something that precious would close that door. How could one possibly find that again? Be open to that again? I was just thinking yesterday how done and empty I feel in that regard. How I couldn’t even imagine trying this again. It was holding myself up to her that shined a light. Perhaps she could because she had. She had been lifted up, she had known that beauty, her faith in it and herself might have been more solid. A lot of speculation, of course. It’s not like I asked her. Could be she said a lot of nice things it was expected of her to say. Just an exploration of where the mind goes and why. Possibilities. I sit here on this fence, one side longing to be free of the weight of his judgment and rejection, the other side hoping for another good moment, hesitant to give up while they still exist, even if they’ve lost the power to tip the scale all that much. Feeling utterly incapable of anything but this or solitude. I wonder if she felt something like that when she lost him. And then things changed, and as she adapted, the possibilities changed as well. A moment in time, and who we are in that moment, they can be powerful things. Make us think we really know ourselves. Our limits. And then the moment changes, or we change the moment…and who knows what we’ll find. Who we’ll be. What we’re capable of. The notion doesn’t change where I’m sitting today…it doesn’t change anything… but it reminds me I’ve got no business feeling empty when I look ahead.