On Turning 30 This Year

I'm incredibly grateful for life. I've experienced so much joy, been filled with so much light. I've become grounded in my truth, I've followed a calling and named it my life's purpose. In many ways, I'm content. At peace. Always prioritizing healing. The gift of perspective found in years of practicing resillience.

In all of this reflecting, I'm somehow still yearning.

I know that life is meant to be lived. I know that grief is a part of loss, and loss a form of rebirth.

What I can't seem to shake? Despite everything following its divine timing, despite quieting the ego long enough to recognize bliss: I don't feel whole. Endings seem abrupt. And the hurt seems to linger.

I have been loved time and time again, by family, by friends, momentarily by a lover or two. But somehow, this heart is bound to a soul endlessly yearning for more.

I've spent so much time in this longing. Stood still as to try to listen to my heart. Turned myself blue over this grief. Cried tears of anger at a God, at a universe, where love can be so fleeting and transactional. At my worst, felt this lifetime is a karmic one, spent misalignining and falling short.

I worry about the things I may miss out on: Partnership. Motherhood. I fear a life half spent, half lived.

This year I turn 30. And all I'm praying for is clarity.


Tell me I′m worth being loved, please
I wanna sleep tonight
Oh, I wanna sleep tonight
Hug me
Why is my heart so ugly?
I wanna sleep tonight
Oh, why can't I sleep

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