Pointless Existence

@SW-User Its a question that gives rise to a question. What could be a sensible alternative? Too much introspection perhaps. I've long ago rejected religion, career ambition, pursuit of pleasure ( more or less ). Being able to spend time with the one person who once made the question pointless, perhaps. Ah well - clouds pass.

@alan20 I don't know if there were any sensible alternatives, at least for me. I don't think I could have seen then what I can see now. I believe that it is all as it should be ...the other feeling of things passing by comes when I am comparing myself to others.

@SW-User I've a lot of empathy with your feeling except for one word - "should". The opposite should have been. I'm a romantic not a realistic, perhaps. Have to leave this thread for a while ; pasta is ready ! Slainte.

@alan20 let me rephrase that sentence. Everything is as it needs to be.
Enjoy your pasta.

@SW-User Good. We're in agreement again. I wonder if my wish to have a friend, albeit an anonymous internet one, is an acceptance of that sentiment - sad though it may be. I did enjoy it thank you, my wife being a good cook.

@SW-User Do you still have your concealed lighting?

@alan20 no concealed lighting lol. It's all transparent now.

@alan20 Don't conceal too much!

@SW-User Mon dieu. Whatever happened during your absense. You're the only member I've ever asked others "Is she likely to come back?". Soosie assured me you would but then she's a gentle soul.

@alan20 I am flattered and honoured.

@SW-User But transparent. To everyone but me. Ah well.

@alan20 What do you mean by that? Transparent to everyone but you? Do tell.

@SW-User You're very private; discreet. You'd soon put me in my place if I didn't mind my own business. Most girls on here don't engage my interest. Something mysterious about you does. You respect and engage with many peoples' thoughts but you're reticent about your own. I somehow identify with that. Does that answer make any sense?

@alan20 Makes a lot of sense, yes and very perceptive of you. But I am not transparent to everyone but you. I'm mostly opaque to everyone. Lol. (Pardon my silliness).

@SW-User My friend you can be as silly as you like with me. And its you who are perceptive. I often try to hide my psyche by attempts at humour or hard-core porn which rarely strike me as anything but boring. I think most motivation goes back to childhood, much of which we ( i.e. me ) still haven't completely resolved or understood. There is a sense in which a musician doesn't need words. I like to think I can admit anything to myself. Yet I still feel very uncomfortable talking about certain things to my wife; for example childhood beatings at school - I pride myself on having a high pain threshold but never accepted the humiliation. And never forgave my parents. My father knew that and I knew he died regretting it, but rivers don't flow backwards. Anyway; think I'll play some Offenbach. ( XXXX ).

@alan20 you're admitting it here. Something you would not have a year ago.
It's both progress and a beginning.

@SW-User I like taking risks. Have done for a long time. In this case I'm gambling on the anonymity. It would be quite a shock to find that the love of my life and read it. Knowing her, it wouldn't be impossible.

@alan20 what would be so bad if she did read it?

@SW-User Good question. Are you a psychiatrist? I know the answer but do I want others to know it, yourself excluded? Let's just say for some years she loved me as much as I her. Like all such deep infatuations, her love was based on an image she had of me - partly true but there were one or two things we kept to ourselves. Now that we're thousands of miles distant, and distanced in other ways. is not the time for new revelations. Her first husband went to the same school as I. I'm pretty sure she learned more from him than from I. I was abnormally shy and private in those days. And in the present ( it does exist ) she likes to maintain she forgets much of the past with me. Some stones are best left unturned I once concluded.

@alan20 I'm not a registered psychiatrist. You don't want to be 'seen' and I can understand that. But should someone see you and you are all the more human for it, perhaps it would not be such a bad thing. It would just make you feel vulnerable until you felt safe.
Again...I am not a registered psychiatrist. Lol.

@SW-User Do you know, I feel a bit like a kid : "I'll show you mine if you show me yours". I don't like feeling narcissistic (don't know how to spell that). Every so often I tell myself to lighten up. In a way I'm using you. Wish you had some way of using me back. It's good to have you as a friend. Do you know London well?

@alan20 I know if fairly well. But not as well as say a taxi driver might know it.

@SW-User After every holiday period I'd seek a new room having given notice to my previous landlady, to save some money during vacation. Started out in Hornsey ; ended in Putney. We used enjoy our walks to Richmond, Kew and all the rest . We used haunt Hampstead, , Kenwood. . Regents Park, Strawberry Hill , etc. Landladies are a very strange breed. The ever so righteous "Alan" got thrown out by two for having his girl in his room. Towards the end of my time in London I worked as pianist for a ballet school run by a young aristocrat , Lady...... I'd better not say her name. I loved wandering the streets late at night and got mugged three times but as I never had much money they didn't get much. On one occasion I actually persuaded my attackers to give me back the photo of my girl before they made off with my wallet. I used enjoy the feeling of danger, walking in Queens Wood in the Highgate area, trying not to collide with the trees in the pitch dark . One night there was a very loud gunshot close to me followed by a man laughing. I crouched down motionless for about twenty minutes before getting to hell out of it. London of course can be a very lonely place when your girlfriend isn't over from her college in Belfast. I'd better stop monopolising your Sunday. Thanks for the chat.