THE DAY I FINALLY STARTED TO BELIEVE THAT THINGS CAN AND WILL GET BETTER , MY LIFE AND I WILL GET BETTER , HAPPIER AND ACHIEVE SUCCESS
This day post 11 am part really helped me so much. My depression has worsened since early may . With the intern exams in mid July and me knowing absolutely nothing and inability to learn anything and etc etc I mentioned in part 1 .
So after a full raging anxiety attack, I went to the showroom to buy a laptop. My mind was full of every negative thing . Our budget for the laptop was 50K . But the laptop we were offered with the configuration that met my needs was starting from 58K . It was an hp laptop with i5 processor and integrated gpu . The price didn't please me at all and my brain wasn't helping either . See everytime I buy things I am overwhelmed with guilt because of how much my parents have spent and are spending on me (and its all a waste because I just can't do anything) .
So the price was touching 60 margin but my father said that this is the store of his acquaintance so I shouldn't worry about the price. ( He always says don't worry about the money and my mother says just the opposite)
The salesman was quite cunning. Everytime I ask him of something he would call a number and then note down and tell me . I asked him the price of Dedicated gpu laptops and he said minimum 65K . I have made stupid choices all my life and I really didn't want to make another because of my stupid anxiety or a cunning salesman. 58K is a lot for us . Its an investment .
So I dialed my friend who is familiar with laptops and tech in general. This was a big big step for me . See I am really ashamed of talking to anyone in general or seeking help because I felt that they all hate me for being stupid or find me lazy useless ( i have been lazy and useless for many many years) . And this friend of mine is rich so I also felt vulnerable to tell him about my budget restraints . I know I make no sense but seriously my brain makes this fear of hatred from others so real .
Anyway I called him and told him and he said that whattt 58K for integrated gpu system . He asked me to say no and he immediately sent me 3 links for dedicated gpu with price 60 K . ( Mind you I would need a dedicated gpu for Machine learning (ML) in two years if I decide to try ML ) .but I told my friend that these are all online purchases and in stores they don't have it . So he said then buy online.
This was really tricky because my father said no to online purchases for such big Deals. I was again in dilemma .Aso I thought of this What would the people in the store think? That what a pathetic stupid broke useless girl !
I took a deep breath and told myself this - What others are thinking about me does not matter .what I think about them does not matter . What matters is just one thing- I have to purchase the best laptop I can with the resources I have been provided in terms of money and guidance.
I then called my cousin who is a tech engineer. This was big step two . I am so scared of this cousin of mine. She is so successful and loved in our family and everytime I talk to her , I feel that she hates me because of how much I have plundered my parents money in tuition and medicines . She is also very very smart causing me to shy away from her because really it oains me how easily she handles tasks. But I talked to her and she so calmly responded to all this that buy online .
When I told my father all this , he became angry. He had made negotiations with the said acquaintance who owned the showroom and managed to reduce the price by 1K . So if we leave now after 3 hours , my father thought that it is humiliating to him . I tried to convince him that we will save money and get better but he didn't agree ( my father is very paranoid about his 'dignity' . He would really be extremely threatening and rude to us and my mother if we try to disagree with my father's parents or friends- its hard to explain this) .
So I asked for my cousin to call my father and try to convince him . A call later my father said to the salesman "well she has decided to purchase online after wasting your 3 hours" .
The salesman then asked me what am I planning to buy I showed him the link of asus laptop with ryzen 5 4600H nvidia GeForce GTX 1650 for 60000 . The man immediately said that he would offer me ryzen 5 5600H Nvidia GeForce GTX 1650 4gb gpu for 61000( mind you without calling or anything) .
I was shocked. So they did have a dedicated gpu system for 61K. I tried to try my luck. I said but in online I can get for 59-60K. He said 60.5K and thats final . Besides its 5600H .I said alright donee!!
I called both my friend and cousin and thanked them . I felt no Anxiety and I felt so good that I learned so much from them and they both were so nice.
Also I felt proud for standing up to my father . My father could be very threatening in some cases and this was one of it . I came home and talked to my sister after 3 months because now I didn't feel anxious .
I then talked to all my friends after 10 days because I felt mentally welcomed there and not threatened by them .
I know that I have intern exams to give where I will be performing very bad , and most of my friend would do much better than me . But this does not matter to me anymore . What others think does not matter . What I think about what others think about me or about anyone doesn't matter. I have to do just one task " concentrate fully and happily on MY GROWTH". My growth as an engineer, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a human being healing and growing in life .
I am not gonna lie. There will be setbacks. Just yesterday night only my sister went full crazy on me and shouted such hurt words that would have usually made me suicidal af. But now I chose to let go of them , I didn't scream back at her because It did not define me, it did not define my life , it was just nothing at all. And I did not let those words define her either. Those words were the outcome of some of her thoughts process and not her whole self.
Today I
1) did full yoga without music.
2) cleaned my whole room
3) did laundry after a whole week finally
4) set up my system .
5) and now I am about to fill the resume fields for the intern .
I am really anxious for the last part because like I said healing is not instantaneous . I saw a bunch of resumes from past year and LinkedIn ids of my colleagues and it really scared me so much and depressed me .
But I say to myself - My only focus is what I am doing. What I am learning. And its okay if I did not move mountains today , its okay if I struggle tremendously in intern year. Because when I would be sitting for my placements in next year, I would be so much strong and confident .
And its okay that I am starting late . Its okay that I feel "what if I had started earlier" . I did not because I was struggling and I couldn't see a way out . Now as I see the end of this tunnel, I need to breathe and start walking towards the light. Its still dark but there are support in the form of friends, family and ultimately I. I will get there with my efforts and courage. I will achieve success. One day I will succeed .One day I will be confident and happy for my achievements. One day I will love with open hearts and be not afraid. One day I will breathe in freedom and light. One day this darkness will end fully . And until then I will not accept defeat.
So after a full raging anxiety attack, I went to the showroom to buy a laptop. My mind was full of every negative thing . Our budget for the laptop was 50K . But the laptop we were offered with the configuration that met my needs was starting from 58K . It was an hp laptop with i5 processor and integrated gpu . The price didn't please me at all and my brain wasn't helping either . See everytime I buy things I am overwhelmed with guilt because of how much my parents have spent and are spending on me (and its all a waste because I just can't do anything) .
So the price was touching 60 margin but my father said that this is the store of his acquaintance so I shouldn't worry about the price. ( He always says don't worry about the money and my mother says just the opposite)
The salesman was quite cunning. Everytime I ask him of something he would call a number and then note down and tell me . I asked him the price of Dedicated gpu laptops and he said minimum 65K . I have made stupid choices all my life and I really didn't want to make another because of my stupid anxiety or a cunning salesman. 58K is a lot for us . Its an investment .
So I dialed my friend who is familiar with laptops and tech in general. This was a big big step for me . See I am really ashamed of talking to anyone in general or seeking help because I felt that they all hate me for being stupid or find me lazy useless ( i have been lazy and useless for many many years) . And this friend of mine is rich so I also felt vulnerable to tell him about my budget restraints . I know I make no sense but seriously my brain makes this fear of hatred from others so real .
Anyway I called him and told him and he said that whattt 58K for integrated gpu system . He asked me to say no and he immediately sent me 3 links for dedicated gpu with price 60 K . ( Mind you I would need a dedicated gpu for Machine learning (ML) in two years if I decide to try ML ) .but I told my friend that these are all online purchases and in stores they don't have it . So he said then buy online.
This was really tricky because my father said no to online purchases for such big Deals. I was again in dilemma .Aso I thought of this What would the people in the store think? That what a pathetic stupid broke useless girl !
I took a deep breath and told myself this - What others are thinking about me does not matter .what I think about them does not matter . What matters is just one thing- I have to purchase the best laptop I can with the resources I have been provided in terms of money and guidance.
I then called my cousin who is a tech engineer. This was big step two . I am so scared of this cousin of mine. She is so successful and loved in our family and everytime I talk to her , I feel that she hates me because of how much I have plundered my parents money in tuition and medicines . She is also very very smart causing me to shy away from her because really it oains me how easily she handles tasks. But I talked to her and she so calmly responded to all this that buy online .
When I told my father all this , he became angry. He had made negotiations with the said acquaintance who owned the showroom and managed to reduce the price by 1K . So if we leave now after 3 hours , my father thought that it is humiliating to him . I tried to convince him that we will save money and get better but he didn't agree ( my father is very paranoid about his 'dignity' . He would really be extremely threatening and rude to us and my mother if we try to disagree with my father's parents or friends- its hard to explain this) .
So I asked for my cousin to call my father and try to convince him . A call later my father said to the salesman "well she has decided to purchase online after wasting your 3 hours" .
The salesman then asked me what am I planning to buy I showed him the link of asus laptop with ryzen 5 4600H nvidia GeForce GTX 1650 for 60000 . The man immediately said that he would offer me ryzen 5 5600H Nvidia GeForce GTX 1650 4gb gpu for 61000( mind you without calling or anything) .
I was shocked. So they did have a dedicated gpu system for 61K. I tried to try my luck. I said but in online I can get for 59-60K. He said 60.5K and thats final . Besides its 5600H .I said alright donee!!
I called both my friend and cousin and thanked them . I felt no Anxiety and I felt so good that I learned so much from them and they both were so nice.
Also I felt proud for standing up to my father . My father could be very threatening in some cases and this was one of it . I came home and talked to my sister after 3 months because now I didn't feel anxious .
I then talked to all my friends after 10 days because I felt mentally welcomed there and not threatened by them .
I know that I have intern exams to give where I will be performing very bad , and most of my friend would do much better than me . But this does not matter to me anymore . What others think does not matter . What I think about what others think about me or about anyone doesn't matter. I have to do just one task " concentrate fully and happily on MY GROWTH". My growth as an engineer, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a human being healing and growing in life .
I am not gonna lie. There will be setbacks. Just yesterday night only my sister went full crazy on me and shouted such hurt words that would have usually made me suicidal af. But now I chose to let go of them , I didn't scream back at her because It did not define me, it did not define my life , it was just nothing at all. And I did not let those words define her either. Those words were the outcome of some of her thoughts process and not her whole self.
Today I
1) did full yoga without music.
2) cleaned my whole room
3) did laundry after a whole week finally
4) set up my system .
5) and now I am about to fill the resume fields for the intern .
I am really anxious for the last part because like I said healing is not instantaneous . I saw a bunch of resumes from past year and LinkedIn ids of my colleagues and it really scared me so much and depressed me .
But I say to myself - My only focus is what I am doing. What I am learning. And its okay if I did not move mountains today , its okay if I struggle tremendously in intern year. Because when I would be sitting for my placements in next year, I would be so much strong and confident .
And its okay that I am starting late . Its okay that I feel "what if I had started earlier" . I did not because I was struggling and I couldn't see a way out . Now as I see the end of this tunnel, I need to breathe and start walking towards the light. Its still dark but there are support in the form of friends, family and ultimately I. I will get there with my efforts and courage. I will achieve success. One day I will succeed .One day I will be confident and happy for my achievements. One day I will love with open hearts and be not afraid. One day I will breathe in freedom and light. One day this darkness will end fully . And until then I will not accept defeat.
22-25, F
