I have to tell you about today 28 June 2022. Part 1
So today I woke up fine , depressed and feeling moderately miserable which was a good thing . I had to buy a laptop so I was feeling stressed because I really get anxious and feel overwhelmed while doing tasks that involves active participation of my brain ( this is the best way to explain my usual mental situation) .
So I was procrastinating as usual by trying to clean my room and then a message popped on my WhatsApp reminding me of my tasks to fill a form for my internship application. Now This was I think pressed my trigger button .
I experienced such strong painful anxiety because see I have no preparation for my intern . Its been impossible for me to study for past 5 years and I managed to get into this prestigious institute with so much misery and such painful experience ( and luck man) . But two years of online uni really didn't help me much for depression and I wasn't able to study here for 2 years .
In the third year we have intern recruitments and in 4rth year we have job recruitments . So basically 3rd year is preparation for the final job placement.
The message today triggered me so much . It wasn't the worst part . For some reason, I wasn't able to suppress my real feelings too (flight). Like saying "i will cut off all friends, chop off my hair , do not socialise, just study 18hr+) etc .
And at the same time I wasn't able to fight too because seeing people +my friends who have no problem like anxiety and already have been studying consistently depressed me . Even people who didn't study were cool and slowly starting to study because it wasn't depression that stopped them .it was just laziness not the kind of nerve racking crippling mental paralysis I get every time I try to do tasks .I couldn't seek help from my parents because I do not want to over burden them and my siblings won't talk to me due to many issues. Depression anxiety makes you feel like you are the junkie addict of the family everyone prefers to stay away from. I really didn't know what to talk to them or my parents or my friends of uni because I just hated all of them in that moment although deep down I knew that the problem was not them . (But I so wanted to get in flight mode ) .
The 20 minutes of time I spent in this turmoil was so much painful. My cervical don't allow me run, or dance which helps me suppress. So I just sat there before the cooler fan and I could neither run , my back was paining me, my hair was a tangled mess due to heat and humidity, i couldn't cry but I desperately wanted to cry so much , I couldn't breathe although I was alive . My father was calling me out for the laptop purchase. So like a corpse I stood and got dressed up to go purchase a laptop . My skin was breaking out and it made me so much more stressed but it felt like I couldn't be bothered more .
With this thought that I would come back home after purchasing and take a cold shower and just make my bed clean and sleep naked and chop off my hair tomorrow.
continued in next part
So I was procrastinating as usual by trying to clean my room and then a message popped on my WhatsApp reminding me of my tasks to fill a form for my internship application. Now This was I think pressed my trigger button .
I experienced such strong painful anxiety because see I have no preparation for my intern . Its been impossible for me to study for past 5 years and I managed to get into this prestigious institute with so much misery and such painful experience ( and luck man) . But two years of online uni really didn't help me much for depression and I wasn't able to study here for 2 years .
In the third year we have intern recruitments and in 4rth year we have job recruitments . So basically 3rd year is preparation for the final job placement.
The message today triggered me so much . It wasn't the worst part . For some reason, I wasn't able to suppress my real feelings too (flight). Like saying "i will cut off all friends, chop off my hair , do not socialise, just study 18hr+) etc .
And at the same time I wasn't able to fight too because seeing people +my friends who have no problem like anxiety and already have been studying consistently depressed me . Even people who didn't study were cool and slowly starting to study because it wasn't depression that stopped them .it was just laziness not the kind of nerve racking crippling mental paralysis I get every time I try to do tasks .I couldn't seek help from my parents because I do not want to over burden them and my siblings won't talk to me due to many issues. Depression anxiety makes you feel like you are the junkie addict of the family everyone prefers to stay away from. I really didn't know what to talk to them or my parents or my friends of uni because I just hated all of them in that moment although deep down I knew that the problem was not them . (But I so wanted to get in flight mode ) .
The 20 minutes of time I spent in this turmoil was so much painful. My cervical don't allow me run, or dance which helps me suppress. So I just sat there before the cooler fan and I could neither run , my back was paining me, my hair was a tangled mess due to heat and humidity, i couldn't cry but I desperately wanted to cry so much , I couldn't breathe although I was alive . My father was calling me out for the laptop purchase. So like a corpse I stood and got dressed up to go purchase a laptop . My skin was breaking out and it made me so much more stressed but it felt like I couldn't be bothered more .
With this thought that I would come back home after purchasing and take a cold shower and just make my bed clean and sleep naked and chop off my hair tomorrow.
continued in next part
22-25, F
