Lately I have realised
That I have deep people pleasing habits. And all the time I thought I hate people. Truth is both have been true . I hate people because I just can't relate with their perfect healthy brain non depressed lives but at the same time I need validations . Serious validations for the things that caused me this mess in the beginning.
There was a time where I had a thirst for knowledge and desire to learn . Now after years of toxicity, i just want that people should see me as knowledgeable and see that I have a thirst for knowledge.
But its a strange feeling you know .i am quite a mediocre person with mediocre rate of learning and problem solving skills so why am I even competing in this mess ? Why do I get triggered every time I see someone succeed ? When deep down I know what my limits are .
Same goes for beauty but damn its a hard mess here . I never feel enough. And its a strange feeling. Because I dress up I feel nice. But when all my girlfriends dress up nicely and they all look nice , I just feel that I am not actually beautiful. Its just clothes . I am actually very mediocre looking. And I just feel that if I am so medicore, Why did I ever bother to feel the need to compete for beauty? Because I would never look drop dead gorgeous if not for good clothes . And the same clothes worn by others would make them very pretty too but they are naturally beautiful while I need clothes to make me pretty so why am I even trying to compete when I got no chance at all .
I think its a high time I accept my limits. Seriously. Make peace with it . There are billions of people smarter than me, sexier than me , prettier than me , richer than me , luckier than me and my brain 👏🏽 must 👏🏽 accept 👏🏽that 👏🏽. What matters at the end of the day is I get my shit done . I study with what little brain I have . Period. I study to get a job that I deserve with the hard work I put in . Period . I go to gym and workout with whatever body I have. Period . I feel miserable and still live to get my shit done. Period. At the end of the day , it is I who cleans the mess up and beat suicidal thoughts. Period. And damn I am proud of that . Yess I said it . I am proud of "my efforts to live" .
There was a time where I had a thirst for knowledge and desire to learn . Now after years of toxicity, i just want that people should see me as knowledgeable and see that I have a thirst for knowledge.
But its a strange feeling you know .i am quite a mediocre person with mediocre rate of learning and problem solving skills so why am I even competing in this mess ? Why do I get triggered every time I see someone succeed ? When deep down I know what my limits are .
Same goes for beauty but damn its a hard mess here . I never feel enough. And its a strange feeling. Because I dress up I feel nice. But when all my girlfriends dress up nicely and they all look nice , I just feel that I am not actually beautiful. Its just clothes . I am actually very mediocre looking. And I just feel that if I am so medicore, Why did I ever bother to feel the need to compete for beauty? Because I would never look drop dead gorgeous if not for good clothes . And the same clothes worn by others would make them very pretty too but they are naturally beautiful while I need clothes to make me pretty so why am I even trying to compete when I got no chance at all .
I think its a high time I accept my limits. Seriously. Make peace with it . There are billions of people smarter than me, sexier than me , prettier than me , richer than me , luckier than me and my brain 👏🏽 must 👏🏽 accept 👏🏽that 👏🏽. What matters at the end of the day is I get my shit done . I study with what little brain I have . Period. I study to get a job that I deserve with the hard work I put in . Period . I go to gym and workout with whatever body I have. Period . I feel miserable and still live to get my shit done. Period. At the end of the day , it is I who cleans the mess up and beat suicidal thoughts. Period. And damn I am proud of that . Yess I said it . I am proud of "my efforts to live" .
22-25, F
