How do you fit into a world you are constantly confused by?

Look, I know I keep posting about this, and I know it's depressing, but it's my life at the moment, and I need all the advice I can get.

M has no friends. He has had friends in the past, but they always leave for something else. Someone not like him. I conjure up a persona that isn't me. Everything he says is calculated: tell a joke here, make sure you say something here even when you don't feel like talking. Constantly focused on eye contact. Or no eye contact at all. Every. Single. Day is so hard. I don't know how to make it better. I'll never get it, but there isn't a day that I won't try.