I have no other choice but to lie to myself and adopt

Beliefs I don't believe in, trick my own mind into thinking none of it is happening .

Or continue being insane , or kill myself.

The first choice would have been easier if I was loved as a child .

A loved child has someone kind to have a pleasant inner dialog with.

If they are despised or feel like they will be, they have set of reasons, justifications, accusations to navigate.

Me? I know I earned it and I see no point in trying to work around it.

Too tired, too disillusioned, too burdened by everything including myself.

I am not here asking for help, or empathy or fake empathy or understanding.

I am just selfishly venting.