How open are you about your feelings and life here?

I need to open up more to my friends. I keep so much of myself a secret, for even the people who have known me for years here, don't know me the whole me. The things that made me this strange being. I want to try and change that. I need to try and change that if I am ever going to heal and rejoin society, and not be this reclusive, anxious person.

I was inspired to finally post this (after being written years ago) by @itsok. I know I am just one of many she inspires in one way or the other, but still I wanted to thank you my friend 🤍

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I remember scuba diving when I was younger.. mostly in the pacific ocean close to where I grew up, and spent many weekends camping or fishing or boating as a kid

I remember being under 100 feet (30m) of dark blue water with streaks of white light cutting through it, and the feeling of being completely cut off from the human made world. Isolated and alone in a miracle that engulfs me.

Down there in the dream state of the ocean, you forget all your ties to the world you inhabited, like your relationships, responsiblities, or any defining aspects of my life, like sex and age, hopes and dreams, sorrows and regrets.

Though, at the time I also remember feeling equally connected in a state of perfect balance, to another way of existing at the same time all the weight of the world was taken off of me. I felt as if I was in another dimension, which mirrored my physical equilibrium.

I was in a place where a dizzying variety of sea creatures lived, like strange other worldly beings, they went about their daily routines, as if I was more ghost than human, and so none of them paid any attention to me.

I remember the feeling of being amazed by the interconnected nature of this reality, and yet felt completely severed from any ability to express or share these underwater experiences that so captivated and inspired me. That profound feeling of isolation and solitude, was probably the most memorable thing I took from my scuba diving days.

However, in some ways that's exactly how I feel above water in this world I now live in. I still see how amazing life is, with all the colors and varieties, but I feel disconnected from the world I want so badly to be a part of, and get the most of my limited time in this world out of.

Some of you remind me of the mysterious, colorful, and beautifully unique creatures , and seem so vibrant and complex, filling me with such a state of curiosity and wonder. I want to reach out as if for an angelic apparition made manifest right in front of me, but have been misunderstood and hurt so many times, I've learned to mostly keep to myself, and mostly just observe.

Yet, I still want you to know that I adore some of you with all my heart and soul. I will always want to get closer and feel I've somehow reconnected to all the beauty and treasure I feel I'm lacking personally, even if for just the moment. Regardless, even if only in my abiding solitude, I am still so grateful to consider myself to be a part of your lives, even if only from a distance.

I am still that deep sea ghost I once was in that underwater realm, but now instead of scuba diving, I am living trapped between the heaven of this life, and the hell of my feeling forever separated from it.