I’ve come to far to go back, haven’t gotten far enough to go on.

I have been suffering mightily for about a month. Worst this last week. I get up most days and try to move forward in life. I do this because of my son Seth. He is 22. I was 38 when my father took his own life and it really screwed me up..i dont want to do the same thing to him and at what point is my suffering going to come first? My wife? She will move on - she says she wont but i dont even think she likes me that much now. I visualise my death a dozen times a day. Just reach into the drawer and take out the stainless steel 44 and jackson pollack the wall with my brains. What cant i visualise? I can visualise tomorrow or the next day or a year from now. I am quite literally without a future. I have no hope. I have no dreams.