Happiness? Are you or do you just have sadness and the absense of sadness?

Genieinabottle · 51-55, M

I am not happy. I am either miserable to some varying degrees from suicidal to a pervasive sadness OR I am not miserable _ usually because I am otherwise distracted by something like tv, food or drugs. I realize I hàve a permanently skewed vision of happiness after a two year run with Vicodin. I also realize that I have a skewed vision of happiness from falling deeply madly in love late in life (only to fuck it up). I also hàve never been quite right since the unexpecqtqed death of my father that really fucked me up. My struggle is this. I am unhappy always or I simply
Lack unhappiness and ammkindof neutral emotionally. I am in a virtually sexless marriage. My son is grown. My career sucks balls. I am going to be fifty and I just don't seemthe point of going on.