Why can i fear death, appreciate life and desperately want to kill myself?

@Genieinabottle, it is a terrible thing to go through. Sometimes medication simply stops working and needs to be adjusted or you need to be tried on something else. Can you get into an IOP or something that might help as you are waiting on a med adjustment? It’s really critical you don’t isolate. Talking to others in the same boat with a competent therapist running the group can be life saving.

If you have ever been down this road before, you know there is light at the end of a tunnel, even if you can’t feel that right now.

@Peapod I have been down this road before many times. I am just getting weary from fighting for my life

@Genieinabottle, depression is no stranger to me either. My son also suffers terribly. I figure I owe it to my loved ones to keep fighting.

The one thing I will say is that there are always new things to try whether it be a new therapist or doctor, and/or making serious changes in your personal life.

I am so glad I did not give up when I wanted to. My life is so much better now because I got the right people helping me and I also made changes in my life in general. I had a lot of baggage I was carrying around and just figured that was my fate.

Never give up. It sounds like a cliche but you are here for a reason. Hopefully you will see that soon enough. Just stay connected as best you can.